Welcome to the Hicks Mix

Pretty but plus sized?

2011-09-24T09:37:00.002-05:00

You’ll notice that I mentioned I might occasionally discuss my weight loss plans. Trust me, it doesn’t work well. It seems like Guinness and burgers aren’t going to help me lose weight any time in the near future. Strange, right?

Anyways, let’s talk about the way people perceive me. Everyone has different perceptions of me. That’s common sense, though. I’ve noticed that the same person can have a different perception just going by the way I look one day. If I’m running errands, I usually don’t spend that much time on my appearance. I’m lucky if I get lip gloss or mascara on, let alone a full face of makeup. Yesterday, I decided to actually try since I had a little more time. Even I will admit that I looked amazing. My makeup looked perfect, and my top was adorable. My hair even managed to cooperate!

I had to run to Wal-mart since Target didn’t have some of the items I needed. On a side note, I hate Wal-mart. We’re talking loathe. When I was power walking back to the car, the strangest thing happened. A guy literally grabbed my arm. “You look like a plus-sized supermodel strutting through the parking lot!” Excuse me? I stood there in total shock. “No that’s a good thing. They’re still tiny.” Why thank you, captain obvious! In the fashion world, plus-sized is like what…a size 8 or 10 at best? I’m obviously not even close to that. Once I realized I didn’t have any response, I couldn’t help but walk away. Quickly. Very quickly.

I get that I’m not a twig. I understand that I’m not anorexic looking. It’s that damn Guinness. I’ve never been called plus sized by a complete stranger, though. Do I need to lose weight? Duh. I do have enough common sense to know that. I don’t need to be told by a complete stranger that I’m plus sized. Also, do guys really think that’s a pick up line? The guy was genuinely surprised that I kept walking. You’re not getting in my pants by calling me fat! Sorry, sir. Better luck next time. You know what? I think I’m going to go devour a cupcake now. Maybe I’ll even dunk it in Guinness.

Currently playing

2011-09-08T12:06:00.000-05:00

Some people say it gives dubstep a bad name. I think they're insane. I think it's beyond amazing? Hate it? Love it?

Why not, Minot?

2011-09-04T19:18:00.001-05:00

I’ll admit it. I obviously don’t fit in at the store in Minot. Sorry world, but I’m not a soak, I’m not looking to hook up with every guy that I run into, and I’m not hoping to fall madly in love with someone and end up living in Minot. Trust me, there is no way in heck that I would ever want to end up living in Minot. It may quite possibly be the worst city known to man. What is there to do here? Drink. That’s about it. I think I’ll pass, if you don’t mind.

My roommate is cool and all, but she just turned 21, so of course she only wants to drink. Does that surprise you? No, it didn’t really surprise me either. She’s asked me over the lunch hour more than once to to dinner with her, but she has bailed more than once. Last night, she said she’d bring home Papa John’s that we could split when she was done doing laundry, so I didn’t get anything to eat. What does she come home with? One microwavable dinner. She was worried that I would be asleep. I was way too tired to worry about it, so I blew it off. Let’s just say that I won’t rely on her for anything important.

It sucks to think that I’m still going to be in this hotel room for 23 more days. I must admit that I can’t wait to be back in my own bed with nobody to clean up after me. I have my own comfy spot in my own bed. I don’t have to wake up to a roommate’s alarm when I’m in my own apartment. I don’t have to worry about her being in the shower when I need to get to work, too. It’s just stupid stuff like that that’s driving me insane. I know I’ve mentioned earlier that I’m dying to have a roommate, but this reminds me why I never want one ever again. Ever.

Right. Back to the store. It is a hellhole. It is a disaster. They have nine management positions open. NINE of them. Are you kidding me? Is that even possible? I’ve never heard of a store like that. The store is so busy that it should be a manager’s dream. I don’t want to know what their bonus checks would be like. But no, the store has horrible leadership. That’s why so many of us have to go try to cover for them. They wonder why we’re so miserable here. The store is getting higher pay and retention bonuses. Since when did any of us get that? How is that even fair? Shouldn’t we qualify for the retention bonuses just for putting up with the store? We’re only getting $15 per working day for food, so a little bonus wouldn’t kill them. Sure, I could eat on $15 a day if I really tried. Give me a hotel room with a kitchenette, and I can easily do that. To be honest, I could live on $5 a day if I had a kitchenette. Just look at my obsession with pasta. It doesn’t get cheaper than that. Sadly, I don’t get that. I do get a microwave, thank goodness! Some of the other temporary employees don’t even get microwaves.

My biggest issue that I am facing is the friend issue. When you’re working that much, it seems like friends would be a necessity. The downfall is that I honestly am not making friends. I tried. I swear I did. I just haven’t met anyone genuine. The worst part is that people in the store are total jerks. The other day, I pulled shingles all by myself across the entire yard. I doubt you’re familiar with our yard, so imagine me pulling a cart that would barely move about a mile while dealing with literal ups and downs. Uhhhh I was gross when I finished. I was dirty and drenched in sweat. It obviously wasn’t a flattering look. What really pissed me off is that none of the guys offered to help. This isn’t Marilee being a feminist. This is Marilee actually asking the guys for help—more than once, mind you. It would have taken one of the guys on a forklift three minutes tops to get across the yard with everything I needed. It took me over twenty minutes. You heard me correctly. I even asked for their help, and they all blew me off. I have never been so pissed at coworkers in my entire life. Isn’t that why we were stuck up here? To help them out? The least they could do was help us out a little. That, of course, would be asking way too much out of people.

Oh well. Life goes on. I’m going to ask the store manager tomorrow if it’s possible for me to leave early, but I doubt he’ll agree to it. If all else fails, I’m hitting the road on the 23rd and won’t be looking back.

The luckiest?

2011-08-15T23:33:00.002-05:00

While the video is awkward, it describes how I want to feel. I don't think I'm going to look for the right person anymore. It just wasn't working out. I'm going to sit back and hope that someone out there finds me amazing enough to pursue.

I'm actually excited to leave for Minot in a week. I'm not expecting to make any friends or anything, but at least I'll be making bank. That would be nice. It sounds like my old 1st Assistant General Manager is up there helping out, also. I'm super pumped to see him. I've missed him and our nights out at the bars. You know, we were just keeping it classy.

I plan on chilling in my hotel room. I'm lucky to be in a hotel with a hot tub and an indoor pool. Perhaps it will be a vacation that actually makes me money! Consider this girl excited about it. I still don't know if I have a fridge or a microwave in my room. If not, I honestly might bring one of my mini-fridges with me. It would be cheaper that way. Would that be weird? Probably. I wonder what my roommate will say!

2 months

2011-08-08T22:59:00.003-05:00

Two months ago, Andrew made the extremely selfish decision to take his life. Not related to his death, but I can understand the pain that goes on before you make that decision. I just feel completely empty right now. It's like I'm trying to care, but everything is flying by while I'm sitting here. Ironically, today was the Bright Eyes concert. Andrew and I were super excited to go, but instead, I sat at work holding the tickets in my pocket. I couldn't even bring myself to sell them.

Oh well. Life goes on.

FCKH8

2011-08-06T20:05:00.003-05:00

If you're even remotely familiar with me, you should know by now that I support marriage for basically every consenting adult. Hell, I even debated the merits of polygamy in my Marriage and Family class. (Don't get me started on the "religious" freaks entering into marriage with 12 year old girls.) I'm not afraid to speak my mind on the issue of gay marriage to anyone--even some of the overly conservative people I have to work with.

Fargo-Moorhead is having it's first Pride weekend next weekend, and I am beyond excited for it. While it is technically taking place in Fargo, those who know the area know that only a tiny bridge separates Fargo from Minnesota. Heck! I even work in Minnesota! A measure to ban same-sex marriage will be on the ballot for 2012, so now is obviously a great time to have a strong gay rights movement in Minnesota.

That's where FCKH8 comes in. Those who hang out with me know that I wear their clothing almost anywhere. I have been a loyal supporter since their first viral video. While I would never show one of their videos to my grandma, I have always found their videos to be humorous, light hearted, and perfect for my generation. I don't exactly hide the fact that I swear like a sailor. Before the video dedicated to the fight in Minnesota, I would have killed to be in one of their videos. Yet again, I wouldn't mention it to my grandma. In the beginning, I loved the video. While it was more crass than their usual videos, it made plenty of valid points that I have told people for years. The top five reasons to ban gay marriage? I loved the first four. Loved. I would have hopped on that bandwagon any day. Then the fifth reason popped up. Gay adoption. You know, since babies are abandoned by straight people. I genuinely felt like someone had slapped me across the face. There I sat, a birthmother who openly supports gay adoption, being fed to the sharks. For some odd reason, I suddenly felt alone. Is it really how they feel? That gay couples can only start families because of straight people abandoning their cildren? They honestly feel like I abandoned my son? The one group that I had faith in had turned their backs on one of their supporters and advocates.

When I was expecting little dude, I did consider more than one gay couple to place my son with. One family made my top three list. I didn't even consider sexual orientation. If I magically become pregnant again and I still didn't feel confident parenting, I still wouldn't consider sexual orientation.

Dearest FCKH8, while I still appreciate your overall message, your stance on adoption offens me on a much deeper level than you could ever imagine. I did not abandon my son. I didn't leave him on the side of the road. I didn't drop him off at a fire station or a hospital. I methodically looked at parent profiles. I created a list of expectations and wishes about my son's adoptive family. I considered everything from education level to location to if they had a dog. I stuck with my decision even after I realized it was going to rip me apart. I signed the papers terminating my rights even after I fell head over heals in love with my son. I watched my boyfriend cry and tell me we would make it through anything since we made it through the placement of our son. That's the word that you're forgetting, FCKH8. PLACEMENT. Not abandonment. Don't get my wrong. I never expected you to use perfect terminology. I didn't expect you to say gay couples have a chance to adopt due to a pregnant woman considering adoption having an insane love for her child. At this point, I would never expect you to say that a birthmother would be willing to sacrifice her own happiness to give her child the security and stability that she couldn't yet provide.

I understand that your videos were never meant to be tactful. I used to love that about you. I guess I just never expected to feel like I was thrown under the bus. I'm used to being told that I'm not a parent by people in the mainstream world. I've been told plenty of times that I should have kept my legs shut. I've been called a slut and that I never should have been able to have children. I've been told that I gave my son up. Nobody has ever told me that I abandoned my son until now.

Keep in mind that Sean and I love Landon more than anything in this world. We have both felt pain when making the decision that we did. I don't think I could count how many times we've cried over the decision that we made. To say that we abandoned our child completely contradicts the parenting decision that we made as a couple. Allowing my son's adoptive parents to be in the hospital room when I was in labor proves that I had no intentions of abandoning my son. For Sean and I to stay silent in the hospital when the nurses wouldn't allow us to see our own son because we weren't his parents proves that we had a plan created out of both love and fear.

Do I love my son? If that isn't obvious, I don't know what is. Does Sean love Landon? Obviously way more than the wonderful parents on 16 and Pregnant. Did we hurt because of our decision? How could we not? Telling me that I abandoned my son was just as hurtful and ignorant as saying being gay is a choice. While I still support the general FCKH8 cause, I will wear my Legalize Gay shirts from American Apparel until I cool off. FCKH8 can choose to be ignorant to the fact that adoption stems from the love for your child. They have every right to do that. I can choose to align myself with slightly more understanding groups such as the Human Rights Campaign. Love is love. That's all there is to it. If only FCKH8 realized how much I love my son.

*DISCLAIMER: I understand that they were not personally attacking me. I also warn you that the video swears even more than I do, so plug your ears before you watch it.

Choosing to be happy?

2011-08-05T10:57:00.003-05:00

If we can choose to be happy, why does life throw so much stuff at us? All I want to do right now is to curl up in a little ball with a puppy. What am I doing instead? Studying, working my butt off, and crunching numbers. Money sucks.

Menards has been switching my Minot dates back and forth. At this point, I honestly don't know what's going on. The only reason I even kind of want to go is to hopefully make a shit ton of money. Isn't that what life is about? Working your tail off to cover expenses that you really don't want? You know, since having a little bit of fun in life is overrated. I know what you're thinking. You wouldn't be complaining about having to work your butt off if you had a killer college degree and a big girl job.

What will that big girl job honestly get me? A bigger paycheck would obviously be nice. It would be nice to never worry about money. But would I actually get to enjoy the things that I'd buy? I'm seriously starting to think this race to the top is pointless. I mean, come on. I'll work 60 hours a week, go home and work in my garden, feed my family, maybe enjoy one show while folding laundry, and go to bed. Do I really want to wake up, make breakfast for my family, pack the lunches for my children, and drop them off at school before driving myself to work every day for the rest of my life? Sure, that sounds great to an extent.

Sure, some of that sounds ok. A few things sound a little more than ok. On the other hand, where is the fun? The excitement? The spontaneous jumping on a plane for the weekend? What is the point of having a big girl job if you can't do fun stuff like that? I was talking to a lawyer the other day. He really made me question some things. I was at the service desk, and he was bringing in a screen door that needed the screen replaced. He was a friendly guy, but admitted that sometimes he hated his job and everything that he missed out on. Right when he left, he gave me his card. He even mentioned that I'd make an amazing lawyer and that he'd love to help me get there.

Hold the phone. You drive a huge Lexus. You're wearing insanely expensive clothing. You're telling me that you missed out on a lot of things in your children's lives. Sure...the fancy car sounds great. Not worrying about money would be amazing. Writing a check for a $7,000 special order door? I'd love to be able to do that. It's the other part. The part where his face clouded over. Would I want to miss everything? Would I want to pass up trips to work? What's the point of having a fancy cabin on the lake if I was never there? Even worse...what if I had to sit there and work inside while the rest of my family enjoyed the day?

I'll be honest with you. My dream life would be living in Europe, traveling from country to country, working odd jobs to cover my expenses, and die happily in Ireland or Scotland. Unrealistic as it may seem, I think I would be more content if I stayed away from this rat race that we find ourselves in.

My biggest question is this: Can you choose to be happy no matter what your circumstances are?

My Review: JL Beers

2011-07-29T20:06:00.002-05:00

I spent my afternoon with Crystal, a co-worker. We were super excited to have drinks on the Hotel Donaldson rooftop, but they weren't open yet. We wandered around the corner to JL Beers. I had never been there before, so I didn't realize I was in for a delightful surprise.

While we wanted to sit outside and enjoy the day, we realized that we were too loud and would have disturbed the girls that were already seated at the table next to the vacant one. I would love for them to have more outside seating, but it looks like most restaurants only have two tables outside when it comes to downtown.

We were greeted as soon as we sat at the bar. Better yet? I was facing Sierra Nevada on tap. Crystal ordered a Bud Light Lime, but our bartender wouldn't hear it. He handed her a sample of his favorite beer. One of the most amazing things about JL Beers is that you can try any beer you want for free. She ended up with a beer called Twilight, and I ordered Sierra Nevada's Pale Ale. After looking over the menu for a few seconds, I decided on the Rajun Cajun. Crystal combined the 1st Avenue Burger with the Classic Burger. We also decided to split a large order of chips with cajun seasoning.

I was amazed when they started making our food basically right in front of us. The chips? They're homemade. Even better, they put a potato on this super cool machine to slice it into chips. A large order of chips was the entire potato. Our food took less than 10 minutes to get to our spot. It was love at first bite. I seriously couldn't stop eating my chips. They were delightful, flavorful, and plentiful. I completely forgot about my burger for a while. When I finally did get to it, I was met with utter joy. How could a burger for $3.99 taste so amazing? That's right, guys. My burger was only $3.99, it was decent sized, and it was delicious.

When we were finished, I really wanted to try a beertail or a rootbeer float. I guess I'll have to save those for next time. Trust me, there will be a next time. I would obviously highly recommend JL Beers. I only live 2 blocks away from the downtown location, so I could see myself becoming a regular. It seemed like the staff knew quite a few customers who were dining or stopping in for a beer. They offer to-go orders, which is right up my alley. The atmosphere was great (I heard Modest Mouse and The Killers while dining), the staff was friendly but not too overbearing, and our food was off the charts. The staff gets bonus points for knowing Sierra Nevada's holiday beer was called Celebration Ale. My only regret is the outside seating area, but as I mentioned earlier, that is a downtown issue--not a JL Beers issue.

From the visit.

2011-07-27T21:32:00.002-05:00

This is the adoptive dad's favorite picture of us from our last visit. Little dude is so freaking huge. Well...he's tall. Me? I look like a puffer fish. In my defense, I spent a lot of time crying. Also, it was humid. My hair wasn't built for humidity.

I think I'll go hide in the bomb shelter

2011-07-25T12:42:00.006-05:00

These past few days have really been wearing me down. I have been applying to college after college. UC Berkeley? Check UC Davis? Check. Minnesota State University Mankato? Check. University of Minnesota? Check. I have been browsing apartments in the cities and Mankato in case I ended up going there. So far, I've decided that I'll need a roommate to live in the cities. Yikes. I could afford to live alone in Mankato, so that's a good sign there. Berkeley? Davis? Let's not even go there for now. I'm not ready to get my hopes up.

I'm trying to move closer to my grandparents as soon as possible. One is going for chemo and blood tests every day except for Sunday. The other is leaving for Denver for some experimental treatments for a while. Who does that leave? Me. Exactly. I won't be able to go to Denver. I'm honestly kind of glad when looking at it from a school and work perspective. Even though I'll be helping the more stubborn of the two, I'm sure I'll survive. I'm just not really looking forward to being stuck in Iowa for that long. It could be worse. I could be doing this alone. Oh wait. I am.

Some of you know me on a super personal level. You know that I was getting excited about this guy named Erik. Yes, readers will remember him as the jackass who made the comments about my son here and here. I moved forward. He became this sort of awesome and adorable guy. He magically became more accepting and caring. He turned from a caterpillar to a butterfly within months. Was he my type? Not even close. Did he still make me smile? Yes. He did that job very well. I mean, I actually lit up whenever he'd call. You know, like I was back in middle school and the boy I liked was calling. It was pathetic. A few of you knew that he could have been a major contender for a serious relationship... or a relationship at all. Yeah...well I guess my feelings on marriage can be stuffed down the garbage disposal. I give up. I think I did two things wrong. I asked if he'd maybe want to consider living together eventually. That probably wasn't my brightest idea. I guess I thought that since he was talking engagement rings and puppies, he was ready to consider test driving the car. I was also honest about some of my mistakes in the past that I hadn't mentioned before. I can't change the past, and I honestly thought he could brush it off, realize he still cared about me, and look at the Marilee from July...not the Marilee from a year ago. Do I regret it? Yeah. I'll really miss him. He was awesome. I just wanted us to have a fresh start. He had been doing super well with some of his issues, and I thought it was my turn to be the problem in the relationship. I never expected this to happen. I guess this is why I just don't date. On the plus side, he's made some major changes in his life. I know he'll do well. That just leave me. Alone. With my grandpa. Oh goodie. Prepare the bomb shelter.

The Dreaded Facebook Search Bar

2011-07-22T20:24:00.002-05:00

It seems like I haven't been able to escape my dad. Weird...right? I mean, I haven't been searching him out. I haven't contacted him. He's just there. His wife is there. Facebook has them pop up in my search bar when I type the letter "h". Really Facebook? I'm sure I have actual friends with names that have "h" in it. How about you show me them first. They matter way more to me.

The downside? I can't help but creep a little. I went 22 years without caring about him. Now it's like a mild temptation. I don't care about him if I'm not thinking about him. I rarely think about him. The only time I actually do think about him? It's when Facebook reminds me that he exists. Is it weird that it makes me feel like a failure? Is it pathetic that I don't feel good enough for him? Why shouldn't I? What makes me unworthy? Nothing. He should be the one excited to meet me. The downside? I know that he doesn't care. His wife? I know she couldn't care less. Yet here I am. I'm sitting here alone Facebook creeping them like it's healthy. Damn you, Facebook. I wouldn't be creeping on their pages if you didn't constantly remind me that they exist. It makes me want to change my last name. That has to be the only reason why they're suggested to me. I've said I don't know them numerous times. Why must Facebook keep telling me that I should know them?

This is taking a major toll on me. I'm been extremely emotional lately. I get really bitter and snap at people. I get jealous when I hear people telling me what their parents taught them, even if I don't agree with what they're saying. Today I seriously held back tears because a friend's dad surprised her with a trip to Fargo just to take her to dinner. Really? Am I that jealous? Are biological ties really that important to me? I never care before. I hate how now all I want to do is ask him a million questions. My first question? Why wasn't I good enough?

The checklist.

2011-07-20T22:42:00.003-05:00

As a pregnant woman considering adoption, I realized that I needed to figure out what I wanted in a family. I created a list of things that I wanted. One thing that I really wanted was a family that was active. Not just always on the go, but into some sort of sport. I also wanted a dog, a nice backyard, and super educated parents. Eventually, I realized I'd have to settle for less than perfect, but still manage to find a family perfect for me.

The one thing I didn't want to settle on? The active parents. I made sure to get that. My little dude is already in gym classes, swimming lessons, and has done orienteering meets with the adoptive dad. Where is this coming from? An adoptive parent added me to facebook, but has yet to communicate with me. It sounds like she's hoping to adopt again and was rejected today by a pregnant woman considering adoption because she was a "fatty". I highly doubt that was the term used, but that's what she posted on her status. Even worse? People said that they wanted to "get the bm alone for 5 minutes" and hoped that she had a closed adoption among other things.

Aren't we allowed to want parents that are in shape? Shouldn't we be allowed to say "hey, I want this from my child's adoptive parents"? I'll be honest. I gained a lot of weight during and after my pregnancy. I'm not saying that I'm some toothpick who would only choose other toothpicks. I just wanted them to have a super active lifestyle. I got exactly what I wanted. They're both runners. The adoptive mom is even getting ready to run a half marathon. What's wrong with wanting parents like that? Not every pregnant woman considering adoption feels that way. Not every woman would pass up a family because of weight. I just think that it should be OUR choice.

For the person that said they felt her adoption should be closed... Are you freaking kidding me? We want MORE for our children. We choose the parents that we hope to be someday. We choose the family that we think can raise our child like we would want to raise them. I could toss out a family's profile for many things. Religion, home, pets, appearance, race...all of that is fair game. Why shouldn't weight be fair game? Why can I choose a different family because they weren't the religion that I wanted, but not choose a different family because I didn't like their lifestyle habits?

When Sean and I sat down with the Wetmores in California during our match meeting, we went over lifestyle choices. We all had to answer if we had ever engaged in certain activities. We had to answer if we had ever smoked, drank, tried drugs, and other things. We were asked how often we did these things. I was asked if I did these things while pregnant. For the record, I hated having to admit that I consumed alcohol while pregnant. My only defense was that I wasn't trying to conceive, and I honestly stopped as soon as I realized I was with child. Fortunately, I didn't consume much. I still wish I could go back in time and change some things, but oh well. I drank. Time to move on. The Wetmores had to answer the same awkward questions. How much do you drink on average? Have you ever used drugs? Deb tried marijuana. Not going to lie, that makes her badass in my book. The one question that threw me off guard? What is your exercise schedule like?

Exactly. They even had to answer about their health. Why is this such an issue? We all know America is an obese nation. It doesn't mean that I should be required to choose a parent that is on the curvier side. I have freedom to choose. I have freedom to create an adoption plan that suits my needs. I have the freedom to choose whichever family suits my dreams for my child best. That does not give you any right to threaten to beat me up or tell me I deserve a closed adoption. It just means that we didn't mesh. Get over yourselves. Adoption is a personal choice. I need to consider all factors. Don't hate me because of that. Don't hate her because of that.

Total change?

2011-07-14T11:47:00.002-05:00

Lately, I have been trying to figure out who I want to become. My life isn't what I thought it would be. Not even close. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to change things and make my word semi-ok again.

I've decided that I'm going to complete undergraduate degrees in psychology and women's studies. I'm also hoping to volunteer with a suicide prevention program. Thanks for that inspiration, Andrew.

I colored my hair bright red. We're talking Hayley Williams red. I bought some new dresses and skirts. Fun ones. I picked up jogging. Well...sort of. I painted my nails. Pink. Bubblegum pink. I'm just doing things to try to change my life around and make it enjoyable again. Isn't that what color is supposed to do?

I'm not exactly sure what this means for my future, but I'm going to try to head in the right direction. Everything seems to be changing, yet I'm staying the same. People are getting engaged and married. People are having children. People are doing major things with their lives. I'm just sitting here in Fargo. Alone. Yes, I still really really really miss Andrew. Last night I sat at home and read his texts. I listened to his voice mails. I cried myself to sleep.

Right now, I just want to find peace. I don't know how. I really don't. I just want to be happy again. A few years ago, Sean and I were talking about getting married. A month ago, Andrew was telling me how much he loved me. Things shouldn't change that much in just a few years. I shouldn't feel this alone. Let's hope this update in my life helps me out a little.

An Open Letter to the World

2011-07-08T11:38:00.004-05:00

To whom it may concern:

A month ago today, I lost Andrew. Everyone that loved him lost Andrew. I get that you guys think I'm insane for still missing him. Is it normal that I've cried every single day over him? Probably not. Is it healthy? Nope. Do I care? No way.

There shouldn't be a timeline for grief. Loss is difficult enough as it is. Don't you dare tell me to get over it. I don't need people telling me that "it's been a month" and then freaking out on me when I point out that it would be a month on the 8th. I never got a chance to say goodbye. I never saw it coming. One minute he was telling me we should run away and elope in Vegas. The next minute he thought suicide was the only option he had left. Do I wish I could go back in time and do things differently? Of course. I can't change the past. I'm not that ignorant. I just need to process this without people telling me how wrong I am or certain people throwing him in my face.

And do the people from high school acting like you give a flying fuck? Forget you. I haven't talked to you for years. You haven't made an effort. Don't act like you magically care about my relationship with Andrew now. I'm not stupid. I know you just want the gossip. Don't ask me questions like it matters. You don't matter to me. I don't matter to you. My tears? They've NEVER mattered to you. Back off. For real. You will never matter to me again. I don't have to explain myself to you anymore.

Sincerely,

Me.

Warning: Total disclosure

2011-06-29T00:14:00.004-05:00

Hey guys. I thought I'd dive back into the blogging world by sharing my complete awkwardness with you. My old internet and cable provider was recently bought out by another company. It turns out that this was an amazing miracle. Not only am I getting super fast internet for the same price I was paying before, I can downgrade my speed a little and get 120 channels for the same price! I don't know if I know how to handle having cable.

Anyways, today was the big switch. The guys had to come at a set time to switch out our modems and set up our new connections. I made an appointment for 1:15 so I could get it done before work. After running some morning errands, I decided to take a quick nap around 11. If you know me at all, you know that I sleep in tiny shorts and a sports bra. I obviously like to keep it classy. OK...I tend to get trapped if I wear anything more. I dozed off and started having the most amazing dream ever.

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

Oh shit. I overslept majorly. I almost answered the door looking like a hooker, but I realized that wouldn't look the most appropriate. I grabbed the first pair of sweatpants I saw, threw on the closest shirt to me, and answered my phone.

Hellooooooo hot guys. Two of them. No, this was not the start to a cheesy porno. This was real life. "Hi ma'am...sorry we're a little early." I glance at my clock. 11:35. A little? That might be an understatement. I walk over to show them where my router and modem are. I feel something shift a little. I look down.

Oh. My. God. A pair of my underwear must have been trapped in my sweatpants. They managed to free themselves right in front of these guys. I tried to casually kick them out of the way, but of course they were behind me watching the whole freaking thing. I gave up when I realized I couldn't get them in the corner without making it any more obvious. When I looked down, I realized my shirt was not only inside out, but backwards. Of course.

"Well, I'd like to say you interrupted me in the middle of hot, passionate sex, but nope. You just woke me up."

Both of the guys laughed. Thank God. When they went to move my shelving unit out of the way, they knocked out one of my cloth cubbies. Could they have knocked out my Menards shits cubbie? Perhaps my socks, scarves, headbands and hats cubbie? Nope. They knock out the cubbie that stores most of my bras. Over 20 freaking bras dumped onto this hot guy's feet. I just stood there in total shock. So did he. The other (slightly older) guy went into full knight in shining armor mode and shoved them back into the box. He did point out that the red lace one looked fun. I think I turned as read as my bra.

On the plus side, I now have super fast internet. On the even better side of it, they said that they've dealt with way worse. On my side of it? I'm making someone else deal with the guys next time.

Whirlwind

2011-06-24T11:09:00.002-05:00

Oh hey dudes and dudettes! Life has been crazy. By crazy, I mean I want to curl up in a little ball and sleep for a million years. Let's recap.

-Hang out with Sean for two days? Check.
-Eat way too much food with said dude? Check.
-Talk about the Wetmores wanting a paternity test? Check.
-Work? Not check.
-Applying for my first big girl job at a hospital? Check.
-Almost sort of getting along with Erik? Eh...half a check.

I know, I know. I promised I'd update you about the visit. I'm working on that. I've been insanely busy.

Little dude.

2011-06-18T00:27:00.004-05:00

I love him. You have no idea. I had a really awesome visit. I'll tell you about it tomorrow. I'm pumped.

I won't rest until I forget about it.

2011-06-11T20:30:00.003-05:00

Oh man. I forgot all about this video. This video makes me smile and cry at the same time. I'm pretty sure all 900+ views belong to me. I miss cuddling in that bed. I miss that brown Iowa hoodie. (Trust me...it smelled amazing). I miss watching him skate. Andrew and I met at a skate park in Mankato. It's kind of ironic considering his mom was my homeroom teacher at the time. I never thought that we would have stayed this close or that any of this would happen. Andrew was so passionate about skating. Me? Not so much. I was just there to video tape things. I was passionate about him and his mad skills. Today was the funeral. I refuse to think that this is the end. It better be a see you later. What worries me is that Andrew and I aren't exactly religious. Now what? What if there really is nothing after this? If I could go back to last Sunday and Monday, I would change so many things.

Empty

2011-06-10T09:55:00.002-05:00

I won't be able to make it to the funeral. I hate that this had to happen at such an awful time. I mean any time would be awful, but this is the worst possible time. If you can't tell, I'm not exactly ok. I'm so tired of fake people who I haven't talked to since high school acting like they care. I'll save that rant for another day.

Miss you

I love you.

2011-06-08T23:52:00.003-05:00

Rest in peace, Andrew Robert. You know how much you meant to me. I knew how much you were hurting. I just never thought it would come to this. You were such an amazing person. If only you realized how much you would hurt all of us. You know you were my best friend. I'm so not ready for this.

Nobody plans this

2011-06-02T23:28:00.003-05:00

my daughter was 3 months yesterday--i am in an open adoption--i went back to school when she was 7 weeks. i am in schooling where i interact with both classmates and clients, so i am constantly meeting new people which i love--i am proud to be a birthmom--of course i wish i could of kept her, but i do feel proud of my choice--as this is so new i am shocked sometimes at the comments made--the ignorance of society--there are some who do get it , but many people think all kinds of things--i must not have really wanted her, i must not like children, i must of had to give her away etc. etc.--i explain to them -i am able to stand firm in what i know and believe, but sometimes i leave at the end of the day just angry, even though i hold it together while i am explaining it and i do not get angry at them because i know it is not there fault that they are ignorant--some people just are.

I'll admit it. I stole this from the forums. I think I could technically get banned for that, so I retract my former statement. Anyways, I don't feel comfortable posting this on the forums, so this is my open reply to her statements.

I was an "ignorant" member of society. I am pretty darn sure that I would have judged a birthmom before I became one. I planned to be a marine biologist when I grew up--not a birthmom. I mean, come on! Who freaking aspires to get knocked up and realize they can't raise their own flesh and blood? Hopefully nobody.

One, the grammar in the post drives me insane. I want to sit there and correct everything. That's just my personality, though. That's how I roll.
Two, I don't mind dashes or anything, but SHEEEESH. I can only handle so many.

I'm the first to admit that I'm bitter about plenty of things. One thing that has really been getting me down? All of the people younger than me on facebook getting engaged and having children. Granted, it usually isn't in that order, but still. I'm genuinely jealous right now. Where's my happy ending?

Sure, we all want trophies or something. A little credit from my son's adoptive parents would be nice. I'd love to hear a "Hey thanks for the cute kid" or "Wow...he's so smart. Thanks." That will never come, though. That's why I really don't care about society's opinion about me.

I'm a slut. I'm a whore. I am a nympho who doesn't know who the dad is. I will never make a good parent. I'm doomed to be miserable. I'll probably never be able to have children now. I'm a barslut. Nobody will love me now. I'll always feel empty inside.

Yeah. I've heard that shit. Guess what? I'm better than that. People aren't ignorant. They're just American. They're a rude and insensitive group of people. I am NOT a proud birthmother. Do I love my son? Of course. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my entire life. Am I proud of my decision? No. I'm ashamed that I wasn't ready to be a mother. I'm even more ashamed that I didn't even try. I didn't need Sean, but I thought it would be better if he helped me. I'm not proud of the fact that I had a child so young. Yes, I was in love with Sean. Sure, Sean is still my best friend. Yes, we do make extremely adorable children. That still doesn't mean that I'm super proud of my actions or the fact that I handed a child over to complete strangers.

At this point in my life, I don't see the need to tell everyone in the world about it. I don't really see the need to mention that I even have a child unless I'm cornered or know that I might actually get along with this person in the future. Half of the time they don't believe me anyways. Why make a situation awkward?

My theory? I'm proud of things that I have accomplished. I am proud of awesome grades, sweet work reviews, fun arts and crafts, yummy baked goods...stuff like that. I'm SO not proud of the fact that I failed as a parent. Yeah. I went there. I made an irresponsible choice so now I have to deal with the consequences. Let's just say that you won't catch me wearing a "proud birth mommy" shirt that somebody posted on facebook. Nobody expects to see this in their future. Nobody.

Not always alone

2011-05-31T23:37:00.003-05:00

I've been feeling totally alone lately. Besides work, I have literally been doing nothing besides hanging out in my apartment. I hate feeling so blah. My biggest pick me up thought is also super depressing. Right after I had Landon, I got super sick. About two months after he was born, I went to the hospital. Three weeks and four surgeries later, I was allowed to go home.

When I was admitted to the ER, Sean was terrified. I could see it in his face that he didn't want to go. Not even five hours after walking into the hospital, I was in surgery. When I finally woke up from the first surgery, Sean was the first person I saw. The nurses raved about him. They kept telling me how worried he was. I guess he watched me like a hawk. When he called my grandma to tell her what was going on, he literally started crying. While I wasn't able to witness any of this, hearing others tell me about it was one of the best things I've ever heard. Isn't that what everyone wants? Someone to literally sit by their bedside while they're sick? That was literally the most comforting and loving moment of my entire life. I never thought someone could seriously care enough about me to worry that much about me.

It's weird to watch that go downhill. The day after I was released from the hospital, Sean left and never came back. It's such a strange feeling. The most comforting moment of my entire life was immediately followed by the worst moment of my entire life. Life isn't supposed to be like that. Your life's ups and downs should be rolling hills...not mountain peaks and canyons. That's seriously all I want out of life. I want my life to be rolling hills...

What sucks is that he still cares about me. It might not be in a "saving for our wedding" sort of way, but he does everything in his power to help me. I recently lost a textbook for college and needed to replace it ASAP considering it was a main book. I'm also waiting for my replacement debit card to come, so I couldn't order a new book. I'm still waiting for my card to come, so what does Sean do? He orders it for me! How many ex-boyfriends would do that for a girl that was beyond horrible towards the end? One. Sean. I am beyond lucky to have him in my life.

Aww.

2011-05-26T00:39:00.003-05:00

Brad finally got a smartphone. Yay Droid!! Ironic considering he's a massive computer geek. The plus side? It looks like I might get to see pictures in a semi-timely manner. You know, considering the fact that the website hasn't been updated since January. I know I'm a little on the biased side, but he is so freaking cute. Beyond cute. I think he has Sean's nose, though. Sigh. My nose is way better! If you haven't noticed, I'm a little obsessed with how amazing my nose is. It's probably my best feature. I'm captivated by him. He makes me so happy.

Nothing like a little late notice

2011-05-24T11:29:00.003-05:00

Well guys, I have some good and bad news. The Wetmores want me to visit them in Omaha for three days. I'm hopeful. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be able to spend three days with my son. The problem is that I'd spend over 14 hours on the road. If you haven't noticed, gas is beyond insanely high. I don't drive the most fuel efficient car. That's what makes this visit difficult. I'm hoping I magically get my student loans by then, but it doesn't seem likely.

They will be in Alexandria visiting Sean, but I would rather not intrude on that visit. Sean didn't get to spend any time with our son on his birthday, so I would rather not cut into that time. I know how important all of those seconds are with him. Speaking of Sean, he has such a different outlook on this situation than I would have expected. I'm genuinely excited that he gets to spend time with our son, I just hate that we can never see him together anymore. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does. I randomly take pictures of Sean when we're hanging out. They're never good ones, and he always gets mad, but I just want one good one to compare to our son. It probably doesn't make any sense to him, but I like to see if little dude looks like him. I love comparing them. Sean just doesn't understand my need for that. This probably won't make sense to you. It honestly probably won't make sense to anybody. When I'm with the Wetmores, people just assume that I'm their daughter. Brad could easily pass for my dad. They could never assume that about Sean. Sean is the proof that I have that little dude was ours at one point in time. He came from us.

I do realize how selfish that sounds. Most people would probably think that I sound strange. Shouldn't I want my son to blend in and feel like he belongs? Don't get me wrong. I'm glad that people won't look at him and think "wow..something doesn't fit". At the same time, a little recognition wouldn't hurt. I want to hear "wow...your son has your eyes" not "aw...your little brother is so cute". It's hard to feel like I'm still a sliver of importance to them in the real world.

That's my super complicated news. I'll be pinching pennies starting right now. June 13-16 I will hopefully be visiting my son.

We made it!

2011-05-21T22:58:00.004-05:00

Sorry guys...guess I'm not cool enough to be raputred. You're stuck with me. Deal with it.

I had the strangest dream last night. My neighborhood was infested with vampires. Not the cute Twilight vampires. Not even Dracula, who managed to make a bite on the neck sexy. They were the 30 Days of Night vampires. The ones who would freaking shred the living daylights out of their victims. I was basically fighting for survival with a bunch of people from my neighborhood. I managed to survive for a long time, but for some odd reason, I suddenly gave up. That's the part where I'm slashed to bits and consumed...right? Nope. They turned me into a vampire for some odd reason. I wish I could say I was an awesome vampire, but I woke up after that.

If dreams are subconscious, why did I give up? I seriously NEVER give up in my dreams. Trust me. Most of the time I dream that I'm a superhero. I even dream that I rock Wonder Woman's costume better than she does! The only thing I can think of is that it has to do with my biological dad. No, I'm not planning on letting my dad turn me into a vampire any time soon. I've just given up on the situation.

I've decided that throwing in the towel might not be a horrible thing. I mean technically, my dad has never contacted me. He didn't send the facebook message. He hasn't added me. He may have looked at my page out of curiosity, but trust me. He couldn't see anything. I guess I don't know for sure that my cousin told my dad that he found me, but I can't see why he wouldn't have. If my dad doesn't want anything to do with me, there really isn't any reason for me to get my hopes up. I've had enough rejection over the past few months. Why set myself up to be rejected by someone that never used to matter to me? I mean hey...if the world really had decided to end today, at least I would have had a face to go with the name!

Grab the helmets?

2011-05-19T10:03:00.003-05:00

We all know that I'm probably one of the most liberal birthmoms in the history of mankind. I'm pro-choice, support equal rights, and have been skeptical of religion in general as of late. When I started seeing these signs, I couldn't help but laugh. Fargo has a whole army of RV's that have been driving around with signs like this painted on the sides of them.

How do I feel about this? I think they're royally insane. I think they've taken fear and hatred to a whole new level. What if a little child sees this? Since when is religion about fear and hatred? What happened to love and acceptance? Isn't Christianity all about "Jesus loves you"? Now it's "Jesus only loves you if you're 100% straight, have never touched alcohol, pray constantly, and beat the Bible over other people's heads".

One of their main talking points seems to be the war on gay pride. My thought? Love is hard enough to find in this world. Marriages fail. People cheat. The person you assume is going to be by your side for the rest of your life decides he doesn't love you anymore. If you are able to find someone that genuinely loves you back, why should their gender matter? Are you not allowed to be a gay Christian? Should that be a crime?

It looks like Christian Family Radio has a huge PDF sermon about how the Gay Pride Movement is a sure sign that the world is going to end on 5/21/2011. Good one, guys. I think I'll take my chances and wear my "Legalize Gay" shirt with pride.

What do you think? Do you agree with them? Or will you be celebrating on 5/22? I'll be wearing my party hat. That's for sure.

Holy bombshell

2011-05-17T15:39:00.000-05:00

So....I have a dad. A real live dad. That guy in the picture? Not him. He IS my first cousin, though. That means I have an aunt. I have a whole side of my biological family that I've never really cared about.

For 22 years, I had no desire to meet my biological dad...or any of his family members. It wasn't that I harbored resentment towards any of them. I was just indifferent. I'm sure it might be hard to understand, but it's hard to love or hate someone that you can't even picture. I just went with the flow. I didn't have a biological dad. It honestly wasn't that big of a deal.

When this cousin added me, I panicked. I'm still in shock to be quite honest. I waited almost 24 hours to accept it, and I'm already regretting it. Within 6 minutes of accepting his friend request, he had posted 3 times on my wall. I wasn't prepared for any of that. He told me how I looked just like his aunt and my big sister among other things. I didn't even know that I had a sister! I definitely wasn't ready for that to be posted for all of facebook to see.

My response was to delete the wall posts and send him a facebook message. I didn't mean to come off as a complete bitch, but I think it might have been super harsh. My cousin responded with 2 extremely polite messages. Of course it made me feel even worse! While browsing through his friends list, I discovered my dad. I finally have a face to put to the name. For 22 years, this guy didn't matter to me at all. I was beyond indifferent. Now all of my emotions are jumbled. I'm going back and forth between jealousy, sadness, rage, and a shit ton of other emotions. For the first time in 22 years, I actually care.

I looked at my step-mom's (at least I guess she'd technically be step-mom) page, I discovered that I had a little brother. This happily married family had a son that seems to be 2 years younger than me. For some crazy reason, I wanted to strangle this little boy's neck! I flipped through his graduation album, and there was a picture of my dad in it. It said "Awesome hubby! Awesome dad!" That's when I lost it. What about the daughter that never got to meet him? I couldn't pinpoint exactly how I felt, but Sean figured it out perfectly for me.

"I don't feel like I have any right to be jealous of this kid."- me

"His entire life is something you were just as entitled to."- Sean

"My nose is much cuter than his."-me

That's right. Sean figured out exactly how I felt for me. I was vindictive enough to point out that my nose was cuter than his. In my defense, my nose is MUCH better.

So here I stand. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue talking to this cousin. I definitely won't be talking to my dad. I might consider replying if he sends me a message first, but it doesn't look like that will happen. I'm just beyond confused right now. I was emotionless! Now look at me! Let's just say that I can understand why children in closed adoptions panic when their birth parents find them. It's beyond confusing.

Ponder this

2011-05-11T23:47:00.000-05:00

Random thoughts from people our age…

1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

4. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

6. That’s enough, Nickelback.

7. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

8. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

9. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

10. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

11. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

12. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18. Was learning cursive really necessary?

19. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

22. My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.

23. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

24. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

33. I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”

34. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

35. Bad decisions make good stories

36. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

37. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

38. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

39. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

40. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

41. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

42. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

43. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

44. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

45. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

48. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

52. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

54. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

55. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

56. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

57. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

58. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

59. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

60. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

National Grilled Cheese Month

2011-04-27T06:42:00.002-05:00

Oh hey there, Heaven! Didn't see you there! If you even remotely know me, you probably know that I have obsessions with pasta (any kind), red velvet cake, and grilled cheese. You might know that there was a kick in high school where I had grilled cheese for 7 months straight. I told people I was just a little superstitious and thought having the same routine every day would help me do well on an AP exam that I was nervous about, but in all reality, I just wanted a grilled cheese.

What's that? Your jaw hit the ground? You couldn't POSSIBLY have white bread and a slice of orange cheese every day? Don't worry! Me either. While it might be my go to sandwich in a time crunch (let's be realistic...that includes a budget crunch), I really like to think outside the box. There are so many options if you just mix up the bread and cheese options. You can even add veggies, meats, or herbs. One of my favorite fun breads to use is sourdough. I've also had amazing luck with french bread. If you want a steal on it and have a Jimmy John's near you, you can always swing by and see if they have any day old bread for sale. While I always seem to mix it up, here are a few of my favorite ones to make for other people.

Chilli grilled cheese: This obviously works best with the canned "chilli dog" chilli. It's not soupy, so it won't make a mess. While any bread would work, I recommend sourdough. On one side, I layer pepper jack cheese. On the other side, I sprinkle shredded cheddar cheese. On the pepper jack side, I put a thin (or thick...depending on your mood) layer of slightly warmed up chili. Then you (obviously) grill it.

Goat cheese: If you know me, you know that I am in love with goat cheese and roasted tomatoes. Ironic, considering I usually hate tomatoes. This one is a no brainer. Pick a super fun bread for this. If it has herbs or seasoning on it, why not give it a shot? Layer the crap out of it with the goat cheese and roasted tomatoes. Grill. Go to Heaven.

Turkey and swiss: This one is simple. In my opinion, the perfect grilled turkey and swiss is all about a zesty mustard or mayonnaise. Caramelized onions will also go a long way on this sandwich. This also works very well as an open faced grilled cheese. After grilling one side of the bread, transfer it to a broiler or toaster oven to finish it.

Don't be afraid to mix and match your cheese, veggies, and other options. If you want to throw a fried or scrambled egg on it, go for it. A word of advice, if you're using any cheese that isn't presliced, grate it before placing it on your sandwich. This will help melt it before your bread burns. Just wing it! You can't go wrong with an American classic.

Too soon?

2011-04-24T16:09:00.002-05:00

Ok guys, I have some news! I'm kind of talking to someone. He's awesome, awkward, and adorable. That's right. AAA. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not...ok, trying not to get my hopes up. I haven't had the best luck with guys lately. Sean was a jerk and Erik was downright abusive. I'm completely done with Erik, but I'm obviously still talking to Sean. Well, awkwardly talking to Sean at least. This guy is totally different.

He is 22, studying to become a social studies teacher, loves to hunt, and spent a year in Iraq. He is SO not my type, but I find him charming. He goes to school in Mankato right now, but he'll be going to school here starting in the fall. To be quite honest, I'm not even sure if he likes me. You know what? I'm fine with that. It's honestly a little soon for me to be interested in somebody new already. Look what happened with Erik!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm excited about this guy. I like talking to him. I'm hoping I can see him soon. I'd love to see how he feels about me. We're just so awkward that it makes it difficult to figure it out. I can seriously sit there for hours reading our facebook chats JUST to try to get a feel for this situation. Remember though, I'm not getting my hopes up. We all know that I'm too awkward for most guys to handle.

Happy...uh...420?

2011-04-20T10:13:00.004-05:00

Happy 420 guys! I will spend the day watching Netflix documentaries about marijuana. No really, I think there's a whole genre for it. In all reality, I'm getting ready for work. I'm a productive tax paying citizen! You caught me...getting ready for work means facebook creeping and watching addicting youtube videos.

What did I learn while creeping?

The Price is Right sucks. Also, 420 matters to contestants.

I am super intelligent.

I need to find a guy who will spin me around and kiss me while this song is playing.

Do I need a life? Possibly. Just enjoy the videos. They crack me up.

Today is my son's adoptive father's birthday. I sent a card and awkwardly forged Sean's signature. I didn't know what else to get him. I don't know why I thought I needed to get him something for his birthday. For Christmas we sent them some awesome presents, but didn't even get a thank-you card in return. Maybe presents aren't the way to go.

There ya go!

2011-04-19T09:48:00.004-05:00

Hey guys! Sorry it's been so long. These past few weeks have been crazy! I've been in two car accidents (neither were my fault), I've been working more hours at Menards (yay!), and I've been trying to spend time with the few friends I have in Fargo. It's been going really well!

I will admit it. I was dumb enough to try to forgive Erik, the guy who sent me the lovely text messages about birthmoms. Let's just say that was a huge mistake. He's one of the most verbally abusive people I've ever met when he's upset. He called me fat and ugly yet again. I can handle that considering he said it when I said I wouldn't have sex with him. Way to think you're winning. He was also kind enough to say:

Whatever. I'm better looking, richer, and much smarter. I guess I'll be fine. I have parents that love me, and I don't have a bastard son who can't even read.

Am I the only one who actually laughed out loud when I read that? My son is barely two years old. I honestly don't care that he can't read. As for the fact that I had him out of wedlock? Life goes on. At least I was in love with little dude's father. That's more than I can say for the girls that Erik will be sleeping with. He even told me he was going to go get a high end prostitute. Now are you laughing?

Don't worry. I'm done with him. I woke up to a text from a guy I dated in high school saying "You're beautiful. Just want you to know, you're my favorite girl." Yeah, guys like that are more my style. Granted I obviously have no plans to move to Des Moines, it's nice to be reminded that you're beautiful.

I had a raise review yesterday at work. It went AWESOME! They really love having me there and said I was a great asset. It was nice to hear that after the drugged up tile incident. I get to do the preparing for advancement courses. I'm really excited about that. I can't get into the one that is coming up, but I'll be in the next group. I need a little excitement!

How to deal with a breakup.

2011-04-01T13:13:00.005-05:00

I don't do breakups well. After much discussion with a dear friend when she broke up with her perfect guy, we developed a breakup tool kit. That brilliant plan involved her driving 3 hours home, lots of alcohol and jumping into a lake during a tornado warning and a severe thunderstorm warning. Not our brightest idea. It worked though! Within a month she moved on and started dating a polar opposite of her ex. She doesn't have any expectations with this guy. I want my next relationship to be like that.

My breakup kit:

Apply kick ass facial mask. It might feel gross going on, but it smells amazing and makes your skin look amazing.

Watch Greek. Seasons 1 and 2 show are perfect to cry to. I literally feel Casey's pain, but it's awesome to watch her try other relationships.

Listen to songs like this.

Not this. The second song might be how you're feeling, but you'll sit there sobbing for hours.

Deactivate social networking sites. They will mock you. Really Facebook? Sean will miss me? Good one.

Go do something fun with friends that the ex didn't associate with. Involve alcohol if you drink. Just don't die on me.

These simple steps will get you through just about anything. If you follow these guidelines, you will survive your breakup.

Dating after adoption

2011-03-31T12:36:00.004-05:00

I've never really considered the thought of actually dating someone besides Sean. Sure when we were taking a short break (his choice, not mine) I attempted a few casual dates, but none of them worked out. Sean always won in my mind. So here I am. Single. Alone. Yet again, destined to live alone in a condo in the Bay area.

I want to give dating another shot, but I'm just not quite ready. I'm not sure when I'll be ready, but now isn't the time. I want to be able to commit to somebody else-not cry when I see a happy couple walking down the street. I was basically trying to tell a guy that I wasn't ready, and I received the most hurtful comments in the history of the birthmom world. On the plus side, it dawned on me that not every guy is going to be able to handle me. I told a guy I wasn't ready, and this was the response I got. It just goes to show that it's going to take an amazing guy to understand me.

I'd rather be an asshole than a bad parent. hahaha "birthmoms" More like trashy sluts who can't deal with responsibility. I'm truly done now. I deserve a girl with a stairmaster who isn't a bar-whore. Lose a few pounds and totally change your personality if you ever want a good guy. I just blocked you on FB. My insults aren't pathetic--they are true. You are a bad person and a bad mom. Your mom beat all the good out of you.

How do you text back to that? Is it possible to respond to that? What's sad is that I actually thought I could have been into this guy eventually. My response to the blogosphere:

I made an acceptable parenting decision. I did not leave a child in a dumpster or try to raise my son on welfare. This trashy slut conceived her son in a consensual loving relationship that lasted almost four years. I didn't get drunk one night and sleep with some random guy I met on campus. This weight that I gained is temporary. I had a rough pregnancy. I carried a 9 pound bowling ball around in my body who was 22 inches long. I had some issues that helped increase my waistline after his birth. I can still shop at normal stores, so I'm not concerned about it. You can fix fat. You can't fix pretentious asshole. My friends know that my personality shines and that I would do anything to protect them, so don't start with me. Those years of child abuse that I went through made me stronger. I learned to overcome way more than you will ever have to. I've had success when most people would have failed miserably. My mom didn't beat the good out of me. She beat the determination to succeed into me.

Here I am, world. I am now officially a single blogger. I'm not sure how the heck this is going to work. It sounds like Sean and I aren't even going to talk. I told him that I'd leave my car unlocked at work on Saturday so he can just drop my stuff off there. I'm interested to see how visits are going to work out.

The rest is still unwritten

2011-03-31T10:37:00.003-05:00

I know I've been hit or miss lately when it comes to the blog, but I'm finally diving back in. I'm single. Sean completely cut me out of his life. He also questioned if Landon was even his. The best part? I lost my best friend. He was the person that I told everything to, but now I'm winging it.

I don't know if this blog is going to be filled with dating stories. I've tried talking to a guy, but it just didn't work out. I guess if you love someone for over 3 years, it makes talking to someone else a little difficult.

I get to start over. I don't have to stay in Fargo if I don't want to, but I can easily stay here if I'd like to. I'm not really sure what I want right now. Ok, I'm even more clueless than I realize. I'm putting the finishing touches on my portfolio for FIDM. If everything works out, I could be going to school in San Francisco. If things don't work out, I'll be taking 18 credits this summer. Gross.

A picture of someone that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

2011-03-17T11:45:00.000-05:00

I haven't managed to make many friends since I moved to Fargo. Honestly, it hasn't really bothered me. I did need someone to join me at little dude's birthday party, so I invited a basically complete stranger to join me in California. Sean didn't want to join me, and I felt that my second choice would have caused some issues. What did I do? I packed up a girl who I had spent time with twice. It actually went well. Obviously she didn't know how to react when I started crying, but it could have been way worse.

A picture of someone who inspires you.

2011-03-16T11:39:00.000-05:00

Blake Mycoskie. I don't exactly hide my passion for TOMS shoes. If you know me, you know that I buy more TOMS than any other kind. Even the little dude has two pairs. I love the cause. I love Blake's passion. I love that he visited Argentina to get the idea. (Yeah...the same Argentina that I named my new mouse after). I love that he used his own money to start the company. $300,000. Yeah, I'm inspired. He was even on my favorite reality show. I hope to become half as cool as him.

A picture of something you want to do before you die.

2011-03-15T11:21:00.002-05:00

While I might not think Paris is the most amazing city on Earth, I want to get kissed under the Eiffel Tower before I die. Go ahead. Laugh at me and call me a hopeless romantic. I'll deny it.

Yes...I do still think Paris is dirty.

A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

2011-03-14T11:13:00.003-05:00

Ok...I get that more than one person is involved here. I really can't imagine my life without my son (duh), but I also can't imagine a life without my son's adoptive parents. Sure I've had to dodge plenty of little brother questions when I'm with them, but I'm getting used to it. They feel just as awkward when someone mentions the age difference between children. Yeah, my life without them would suck.

A picture of your favorite band or artist.

2011-03-13T23:32:00.000-05:00

I love me some Passion Pit.

Yikes!

2011-03-13T13:25:00.002-05:00

I've been trying to figure out how to blog about my visit. I kind of got sidetracked when it came to the 30 day challenge, so we're just going to get back to that. Cut me some slack...I have a lot to talk about! In the meantime, here's the song that I haven't been able to get out of my head lately.

A picture of something you love.

2011-03-05T15:57:00.002-06:00

There is nothing better than wine and beer night with a really good friend. Especially if I bring one of my favorite beers.

A picture of something you hate.

2011-03-04T15:48:00.004-06:00

I hate waste. I try to be as green and ecofriendly as possible. I obviously don't drive a fuel efficient vehicle, but I make as many changes in other areas as possible. Even my cleaning products are natural.

A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.

2011-03-03T15:43:00.003-06:00

Jordan and I used to do everything together. We had one of the most insane summers EVER after high school graduation. I'm pretty sure we should have been kept on leashes.

A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

2011-03-02T15:40:00.002-06:00

Kayla. Yet again. What can I say, she's awesome. She's been there through basically everything. She was even one of the first people who I told about my pregnancy. We just have a weird bond.

A picture that makes you laugh.

2011-03-01T15:38:00.002-06:00

How can this picture NOT make you laugh? He is so full of life. It makes me remember why I made the decision that I did.

A picture of your most treasured item.

2011-02-28T11:06:00.003-06:00

You can barely see it, but it's my wine bottle opener. Yes the girl holding it is beyond adorable, but this little tool is quite convenient. My grandma and I each got one after we did a wine tasting. Ok, I'll admit it. It's more the memory of that day than the actual opener.

I'm sure I have way more treasured items, but for right now, this one wins out.

A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

2011-02-27T10:55:00.003-06:00

Adriana Lima. She's stunning, seems to be genuinely down to earth, has a hot husband and adorable child... Can anyone tell me where the heck her stretch marks are? I hate her in the best way possible. Yeah...I'd like to be her for a day.

A picture of your favorite memory.

2011-02-26T10:50:00.003-06:00

High school. Homecoming. Homecoming court. Feeling like I belonged to a real group. All of the above.

two.

2011-02-26T08:58:00.001-06:00

Happy birthday, Landon. Sean and I love you.

A picture of a habit you wish you didn’t have....

2011-02-25T10:42:00.002-06:00

You have no idea. Nothing could get me to stop. It's awful.

A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

2011-02-24T12:00:00.000-06:00

Glee. Is that honestly even a question? Did anyone have to ask me?

A picture of you and a person you have been close with for awhile.

2011-02-23T12:00:00.002-06:00

My awesome cousin Kayla. Yeah...we've been close for a while. A very long time. I don't like her being at Basic Training. She needs to come home soon.

30 Days

2011-02-22T21:39:00.003-06:00

So...I caved. I'm doing this 30 day challenge thing that is blowing up on facebook. I think I'll do it here instead, though. You know...since I'm cool like that.

Day 1. A picture of yourself with fifteen facts

I can play the clarinet and sax...and kind of the piano but my hands can't reach a full octave.
I have this weird obsession with Audrey Hepburn and wonder if we would have been friends.
Someday when I am older with a huge house I will own a bedlington terrier and an afghan hound.
I love hot dogs right out of the package wrapped in a slice of American Cheese.
I don't really like pop unless it's fruity like Jones soda...but could drink juicy juice like it's my job!
Luxury cars aren't really my thing. My dream car is a Subaru.
I have sweet ass scars on my stomach that are puffy from when my gallbladder had to be removed. They aren't puffy because of the removal; they're puffy from the gross infection I got after my surgery.
I am the most absentminded person I know. I sometimes forget where I'm going as soon as I get to my front door. Don't expect me to remember anything important.
That being said, I have an amazing ability to remember random facts that will ONLY be useful when I'm a guest on Cash Cab.
I'm deathly afraid of needles and blood. I faint. I can't even handle finger pricks.
I support marriage equality.
I try to be as green as possible. Sometimes life gets in the way, though.
For a girl who doesn't have plans to get married, I have my entire wedding planned. It's an insert groom here sort of thing.
I love neon colors like lime green in my wardrobe. My collection of tights is as bright as can be.
My dream city is San Francisco, but I would so move to New York if I could be a flight attendant.

Counting down

2011-02-22T15:56:00.001-06:00

I should be more excited than this.
I'm not.
I'm really not excited at all.
It's kind of lame, honestly.
I feel like a bad mom.

Friday can't come soon enough

2011-02-20T23:25:00.002-06:00

I'm a freaking hot mess. I really hate this time of the year. This week is my personal hell. While most teen moms get to play dress up with their babies and plan birthday parties that they can just ask their parents to pay for, I'm trying to gather the strength and courage to hop on a plane to spend a few hours with my son. While I cherish every second I get to spend with him, the situation isn't exactly ideal. Who honestly wants to admit defeat and say "I am not able to raise my own freaking child?" Yeah...me either.

That's what happened. I made a parenting decision that just isn't what most people make. I can honestly say that the second year was way easier than the first, but the birthday and week(s) leading up to it just haven't been pleasant. I'm sure the Wetmores are planning a lovely party. That's what parents get to do. While they were picking out balloons, I was having a meltdown in Toys r Us. I'm just not cut out for this birthday present shopping thing. Christmas was bad. I can tolerate bad. Birthday presents just suck the life out of me. I assumed this one would be easier, but I guess not. After I finally picked out a present, I got an email saying "we'd prefer no gifts or a donation to your favorite charity." Well shit. Too bad. I'm getting him something anyways.

While I don't like to be treated differently because of my decision, I really wish my employers were a little more considerate when doing the schedule this week. I understand that if it's your weekend to work you need to do it. I accepted that fact a long time ago. I think they would rather have employes that were focused enough to do their job, though. Today I made a pretty major error. It was one of those errors that I just don't make. I somehow didn't charge someone for their boxes of tile. How many boxes? Thirteen. Or fourteen. I honestly can't really remember what they told me. They showed on the camera that I scanned the boxes, but nothing happened on the register. Weird. Now most people are honest. They would mention that their total sounded too low. Nope. Not these people. These people just walked away with their free tile.

I accept responsibility for not charging them. I should have noticed on the screen or in their total that something didn't look right. What I don't accept is the fact that my employers knew that I wasn't comfortable being on a register at all today. I requested to be at the service desk because I'm not forced to think when I'm up there. I can sit on my stool and tell people that they can or can't return something. Instead, they put a girl who isn't supposed to be driving while on the medication she's on for her knee and already overly emotional and focused on her son's birthday on a register where she's forced to stare at numbers for hours on end, stand even when she thinks that her knee is going to explode, and actually focus. That's the part that I won't accept responsibility for. You can not put someone in a situation that they aren't physically and mentally prepared for and expect them to do well.

I will honestly most likely lose my job over this. I do intend to fight it, but I know I don't stand a chance. I used to love my job, but now I dread actually having to walk through those doors. At this point, I'm not sure what I want them to say. I'm not expecting a good outcome from this at all. I don't even know why I'm telling you guys about this. I guess I'm just beyond frustrated right now.

Things that I hate

2011-02-12T12:00:00.003-06:00

People I love living 5 hours away
Walking on ice
Boring umbrellas
People hating on the movie "Juno"
Misuse of "there" "their" and "they're"
The same goes for then and than
My bed being empty every night
Gas prices
Tiny apartments
Eyeliner that doesn't smudge properly
People that mean the world to me who can't accept the real me
Black wedding dresses
Cheap reeds on my clarinet that chip
Headbands that don't stay in my hair

In more exciting news, I'm on my way to Minneapolis to visit my dear friend Brie. Yeah, you should be jealous. We're going to be brave and explore Mall of America. Is it a horrible idea? Yep. Are we going to wear body armor? Possibly. It should be a fun time, though. I'm going to find the perfect dress. Add that to my list of things I hate right now. I can't seem to find the perfect dress. I wanted it to work for both Valentine's Day (scratch those plans) and Landon's birthday. Looks like I'm just shopping for the birthday now. Anyways, have a nice weekend guys! Love you!

Cute little conversation hearts

2011-02-11T22:40:00.003-06:00

Do you ever eat those adorable conversation hearts that you find everywhere on Valentine's Day? Yeah...I kinda sorta love them. They're a way say exactly how you feel to someone without awkwardly saying it in person. It's way easier to give some cute guy a "U R CUTE" candy heart than saying "hey super cute dude...I'm into you. Want to hang out?" For now, I think I want to stick to my conversation hearts.

I'm not the romance type. I don't do relationships well. To be quite honest, the thought of settling down with someone terrifies me. I basically choke when I have to tell a family member that I love them. Could you imagine me having to tell a guy that isn't a blood relative that I'm in love with him? Yeah...me either. Once in a while, you just want to find a person worthy of a cute little conversation heart. When those real words terrify you and fail you, sometimes a piece of sugar can fix things.

While it might not always be able to stitch together everything, sometimes it can be a peace offering. I'm not perfect. I'm far from perfect, honestly. I fail way too many times to be considered awesome. My valentine might not be as flashy as it should be, but I just go with it. Oh yeah...this doesn't rhyme. It isn't a poem. It's honest, though.

Here's my little conversation heart saying "I think you're awesome." We might not always agree, but it doesn't hurt to give this a shot.

Things that make me gag? Love and romance.

2011-02-09T12:57:00.004-06:00

I'll admit it. I'm kind of a hopeless romantic. I'm so bad that I'm the type of girl who would name her daughter Ophelia JUST so it sounded like it came out of some classic love story. The only thing missing from this lovely story is my love life. We all know that I don't really do relationships anyways, so does it really matter that I'm spending Valentine's Day weekend alone? Not really. I'll get over it. Why? It gives me time to practice my culinary skills.

I was going to go to Minneapolis for the weekend and visit someone kind of cool. Well, at least I thought they were cool. The weekend turned into Friday...Friday turned into nothing. Usually it wouldn't bother me. Usually I would just brush it off. Why the heck is it bothering me? That's the part that I really can't figure out. I was excited. I was actually pumped. I told the museum that I volunteer at that I wouldn't be able to help out that weekend. I even went through my massive collection of cardigans and tights to try to figure out an outfit. If that isn't dedication, I don't really know what is.

I'll be ok, though. This is kind of a needle prick in comparison so some of the shitty holidays in my world. Nothing could beat last year's weekend anyways. I suppose there really isn't a point in trying! Instead of driving a million hours to see someone that I considered awesome, I'll spend my time being awesome. This just gives me time to make an awesome dinner for 1.

I now have plans to try to master the art of lobster. I am considering making two lobsters. No, I obviously don't have some adorable Prince Charming to feed. What I do have is the desire to see if I'm better at boiling or steaming a lobster. It seems like we all have our favorites. I'm just here to see which one I like the best. Yes, I do realize that I will have a shit ton of lobster left over considering I never even eat a full one, but it should be fun. I picked out the seasonings for the boiled lobster already. Now I'm just trying to decide on the rubs and seasonings for the steamed one. I'll admit it, I'm terrified to actually cook the poor things. I don't want to hear their shells "scream". I may cringe and cry a little. I'm eager to decide on the sides I'm going to make, also. I was thinking about a simple salad and perhaps roasted potatoes. I'm leaning towards a chocolate cheesecake to finish the meal since I can't find ladyfingers anywhere! There went my strawberry tiramisu idea.

Who needs love and romance on Valentine's Day weekend when I have lobster 1 and lobster 2 to kill? Not this girl. Heck, I don't even need a second person to share my dinner with. I like leftovers!

Perhaps I need a bigger umbrella.

2011-02-01T00:47:00.000-06:00

Did you ever go to a circus and watch the trapeze artists balance on a tightrope? I know that the umbrella was always for props, but when I was little I seriously thought that silly umbrella would save them. I thought that tiny little umbrella would actually help them stay up no matter what happened.

Some days I feel like my tightrope is too long. Heck, sometimes I feel like I'm holding on for dear life. Right now I just feel like I need a bigger umbrella. Of course it would be a fun and frilly one. I'm assuming it would be pink. If I wanted to be super cool I'd use a lemon one, but we all know my life isn't that exciting.

It isn't that my life is spiraling out of control right now. Like I said in an earlier post, it honestly isn't that bad at all. I guess I'm just nervous for a few things. I am completely terrified thinking about the birthday party that I'm supposed to be going to. I get that I haven't even been formally invited yet. I know not to get my hopes up. Last year was one of the worst weeks of my life, yet I made it through and actually got to go to the party. This year I got a "we'll be sending out formal invites for his birthday next week...". Uh, it's been more than a week. It's been way more than a week. In a perfect world, I wouldn't be freaking out. In a perfect world, I would totally be able to take all of this in stride. I don't live in a perfect world, though.

Even if I do get invited to the birthday party, I'm not sure if I'd be able to make it through it alone again. Birthday parties are the most overrated things on the planet. Last year I literally sat there staring at my pizza. Not once did anyone try to even acknowledge my existence. Everyone pranced around holding little dude, but nobody even noticed me. Nobody even made an effort to say "hey thanks, we're only here celebrating this day because of you...". Yeah, I hate people.

If you remember correctly, you know that the only person who did attempt to say anything to me was the adoptive dad's mother. While some people call me a bitch, they need to realize that she puts them to shame. She wasn't capable of saying a single polite thing to me. I get that adoption is like walking a tightrope, but she would have plummeted to the ground. Between the comment about a stranger having no right to hold her baby (directed at Sean), digs about me not liking Mexican food since I'm from Iowa (since it's my favorite and all...), and plenty of other things, I honestly don't know if I can handle any more of her. If I do get to go to little dude's birthday, I will avoid her at all costs.

I understand that sometimes I felt ignored and left out of the entire loop, but I would much rather go through that than hear rude and inconsiderate comments to my face. Not good. I get that sometimes the birthmoms seem really insignificant in the adoption world, I just wish that it wasn't like that. I wish people would realize that they wouldn't be at that birthday party if it wasn't for me.

As I sit here wondering if I'll actually get invited, I can't help but worry that my tightrope is way too long or that my umbrella isn't going to help me keep my balance. I'm terrified. I'm beyond terrified. I don't do this walk well. I get paranoid and frustrated. I hate the fact that I have had to go 7 months without a picture update, but I'm too afraid to ask for a simple picture. I don't want to upset them and get them to cut off contact completely. Yeah, this tightrope royally sucks sometimes.

Oh hey, Winter Games, I didn't see you there!

2011-01-28T02:58:00.002-06:00

Today I got a text basically telling me I would be murdered if I didn't make it home this weekend. The lovely girl sending it? None other than my dear Brynne. I miss that girl. It really is a shame that I can't go home... Why is gas so expensive? And why do I drive a tank? I know that most of you guys don't see the importance of Winter Games, but I assure you, they are amazing. Granted this is my second year in a row missing them (and also only the second year I'm actually of legal drinking age), but I can still vouch for their awesomeness thanks to my underage years.

I was originally supposed to play in a slow pitch softball tournament on the lake this weekend and partake in the Polar Plunge, but I'm sure you guys know that crutches kind of put a damper on those plans. That's another reason why I can't really justify going home. I'd be drowning in my own self-pity and misery instead of actually enjoying what was going on around me. Do I get a medal for admitting that I would just be a whiny miserable little brat all weekend? I think so.

Do I have any other plans? I suppose we'll find out. I guess Ronnie from the smash MTV hit Jersey Shore is going to be in town. I think I'll pass on that experience. I have better things to wast $10 on...not to mention the insane amounts of alcohol I would need to consume to get me through the night. I might just lay low. If you remember last year, it was a hot mess. It may actually win the award for worst night of my drunken life. In my defense, my car blew up. A 2 year old car just doesn't blow up. The downward spiral kind of got out of control after that moment. I lost a great pair of heels that night. Yep, laying low doesn't sound like a horrible idea. Perhaps I'll grab a bottle of wine and watch season 2 volume 1 of Glee. I'm good at that lately.

I have life experience.

2011-01-26T22:20:00.002-06:00

I know that a lot of the time my life might seem like one giant rant, but that is just how the cookie crumbles. Today I was told that "young people don't know what hard is". Oh really? How do you know super old guy? Were you there when I was thrown into foster care? Were you there when I terminated my rights to my son? Were you there when I basically watched my life crumble around me? Did you see me work my freaking ass off in school to get where I am? No. You missed all of that. I know what hard is. I know what a shitty life can look like. I also know how to be Faux in Harry Potter and rise above all of this.

Why do people assume 20-somethings are all just living the dream? Are they insane? Don't get me wrong...I'm content with my life. I'm not in a serious relationship that may cloud my judgment, I have a decent job, I'm in a city I actually tolerate... Yeah, my life could be way worse. On the other hand, it could be slightly better. I think I'm ok basically breaking even. I'm content. I like what's going on in my world. I'm genuinely happy.

In exactly one month, my son will be two. How freaking awesome is that? I'm going to visit him that weekend. I assume that it will be awkward as heck. I really wish I didn't have to go alone, but the person that I was going to invite thinks I'm an ignorant nutjob. It happens! Let's face it. I'm random and so over it.

I'm off to bed. I'll have to tell you about my new volunteer job tomorrow.

I hate winter

2011-01-13T11:47:00.002-06:00

So...guess who's hobbling around on crutches? This girl right here. On Friday, I decided I'd compete for strongest woman alive. Ok, in all reality I was just carrying an insanely heavy box across an insanely icy parking lot. BAM. I fell. I killed my knee. I was graceful enough to tear my ACL, MCL, and meniscus. Who does that? Who is seriously that clumsy? Oh yeah...me.

So now you have the clumsiest girl alive navigating one of the snowiest and iciest cities on crutches. Let's just say that people should be following me around with a camera. They could make some serious money on AFV. One other thing that I've learned is that people are downright inconsiderate. The other day I went to meet a new friend at a coffee shop. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a heavy door open without killing your knee? On top of that, do you have any idea how many people sat there and watched me try to get the door open? When I finally made it inside, some dude was like "oh...I guess I could have grabbed that for you". Oh...I hope you slip on the ice and suffer the same fate as me. Karma dude. Keep that in mind.

Anyways, I'll be on these awesome things for at least 2 weeks while the doctors decide my fate. Draining the knee? Grossest thing ever. I seriously almost puke every time they do it.

Fargo is official

2011-01-06T13:22:00.002-06:00

My move to Fargo is now entirely official. I'm a big girl with my own apartment in downtown Fargo. My own very tiny apartment in downtown Fargo. Did I mention downtown Fargo is THE place to be? It has the best night life, the best restaurants, the most expensive places to live...
Oh yeah. The spaces are also insanely small. Today, I paid an insanely high deliverly fee to have some guy drive 5 miles and HELP me lug my queen size mattress into my shoebox of an apartment. When we finally got it up to the floor I needed to be on, it dawned on us. It wouldn't fit. This insanely huge mattress that I had to pay to help pull up an insane amount of stairs was not going to fit in my bedroom. I'm not saying it was an "oh it's just slightly snug and my dresser would be too close to the bed" situation...I'm saying I would literally have to crawl over my bed to get to the bathroom. It would literally just not fit.

I was so devastated that I started crying. I seriously started crying right in front of the delivery man. I felt beyond pathetic. It was only noon and there I was in tears. In my empty apartment. My apartment that was supposed to have a bed in it. As I sat there crying, the poor delivery driver requested that I help him move the damn mattress back downstairs. Seriously? Of course I still had to pay for the delivery. It was one of those moments where I really wanted to strangle him. I knew it wasn't his fault. Really. I did. I just wish it wasn't mine.

Isn't this what I wanted? Wasn't I the one who wanted to live downtown once I found out I wasn't getting the apartment I wanted in the first place? Ok...I'm glad about my location. Really. I am. I'm just not happy about the price I'm paying for the shoebox I'm living in. I'll survive, though. I applied at even more places today. I'm THAT stressed out right now. I blame the fact that my car got bashed and needed two new taillights. That's over $450 that I really couldn't afford to spend. That's next month's rent. Call me officially screwed.

A new year, a new blog

2011-01-05T18:10:00.003-06:00

Here I am, guys. I really can't explain what has been going on in my life as of late. I officially moved to Fargo. Sadly, I don't officially get to move into my apartment until tomorrow. I think I'll survive, though. I'm a big girl. If you know anyone in Fargo who is strong enough to help me drag a bed up 6 flights of stairs feel free to give them my number.

Life right now is beyond complicated. I'm sort of single, sort of hoping to find someone that makes me happy, and sort of leaning towards the Peace Corps right now. I have a lot of stuff to accomplish before then of course, but for now, this will suffice. If I end up being gone for 27 months a relationship wouldn't be good right now anyways. At this point in my life, I just want to live. I mean really live. I want to really start enjoying who I am.

Since I plan on making some changes with me, expect to see some changes with the blog. Guess what? I'm actually going to blog. I think I'm going to be making posts on a regular basis since I have nothing better to do. I'm currently hoping to clean up the posts and update the overall layout. While I love my peacocks beyond belief, I need to make a new signature...and then some.

I'm currently job hunting. This is so not how I expected my move to Fargo to go. I'm still at Menards, but I am on the hunt for a second job to help my financial status. I'm not getting nearly enough hours at Menards to survive...let alone live comfortably. I have applied at a million places so far. Heck...I've even emailed about volunteer opportunities. So far? Nothing. Nothing at all. Talk about depressing. I plan on being successful, though. I will find something. Preferably a certain something that's full time...or a place where I can get away with wearing cute dresses and skirts. Perhaps hats. Fun fun hats. Wish me luck guys! It sounds like I'll need it.

meow.

2010-11-16T00:34:00.002-06:00

I am going to buy a cat. I am going to name said cat Eartha. Eartha seems like a fitting name for my cat. Eartha. I like it.
Meow.

Now to find said cat.

eeeeep

2010-11-14T17:58:00.000-06:00

Dear World,

Hello. It’s your old friend Marilee. No, I did not forget that you exist. I have just had other things on my mind. I am married now! Yep, Menards and I finally tied the knot. I guess when you finally dedicate your life to that place they start considering you a spouse. Honestly, for now it is an ok change. I like what I do. I love who I work with. I just hate who I work for. There is one decent manager…he’s awesome. He makes work seem a little more exciting. I’m not going to lie though, guys. The other two managers make my life miserable. While I can tolerate the jerk since he is quite efficient, I can’t stand how I am more competent than the other manager is. It’s like the biggest slap in the face ever.
For a while I was considering transferring because of this. As I stated earlier, I love what I do. I absolutely love my cashiers. I feel like they’re “mine” because we get along really well and they actually listen to what I have to say. There are a few bad seeds, but I try to ignore them. I’m really not that hard to get along with if you actually do your job. Seriously. I am NOT a difficult person to work for. I just see who has insane work ethic and who doesn’t. Is that really a bad quality to possess? I kind of wish people would take my opinion into consideration more often.

Onto not so hot news. You all know my biological mother, right? The thorn in my side? The vinegar in my eye? The…well you get the idea. She’s been a hot mess lately. We’re talking drunk dialing, coming to my grandparents’ house, showing up other places, and a whole bunch of other crap. It turns out she found out about little dude. I can handle her attacking me and telling me how worthless I am. To be quite honest, I’m used to it at this point. What I am not ok with is her attacking my son. She was calling him every name in the book. Why? Because she didn’t know she had a grandson. I kindly informed her that I didn’t consider her a mother so there was no way in heck she was a grandmother. That of course did not go over well. OOPS!
The thing about me is that I’m not afraid to back down from her. I’ve had to deal with her most of my life, and I know how to handle her by now. I don’t really care what names she calls me. I get that I’m a “stupid bitch” in her eyes. It happens. I also get that I won’t ever make her happy. Quite frankly, I don’t care at this point. The next step in our world is to try to get her committed. She needs help…we just aren’t sure how to get her that help. She has become unmanageable. Can I take her if she were to swing at me? Yeah...I’m not 5 anymore. I’d give her a run for her money. I’m just not sure about my grandparents’ ability to do the same. With my insane hours, it’s hard to be there all the time to protect them. You have no idea how excited I am that they’re finally taking a stand against her and her actions.

I can’t imagine how hard it is going to be when I have to sign the papers with them to keep her in a mental institution. It obviously won’t phase me. We all know that I basically have no feelings at all for her. I’m just worried about my grandparents. This is already eating them up. I don’t want to imagine what the actual incident is going to be like. They know she needs help. They said that themselves today. Now we just have to make sure that something is finally followed through on. Wish me luck, guys. It sounds like I’m going to need it.

Spirit Day

2010-10-20T10:56:00.004-05:00

For all of my LGBT friends... I love you. It will get better.

Are you wearing purple today to support Spirit Day and show that we won't stand for H8 of any form?

ABC's of me

2010-10-13T22:05:00.002-05:00

A - Age: 21

B - Bed size: King...I flop around too much for anything smaller.

C - Chore you hate: Dishes...that's why God invented a dish washer.

D - Drive: Ironhide...duh.

E - Essential start your day item: Ipod blasting my wake up mix.

F - Favorite color: Red

G - Gold or Silver: Silver

H - Height: 5' 4"....ish.

I - Instruments you play(ed): piano, clarinet and sax

J- Job title: Head Cashier...I'm cool.

K - Kid(s): My little dude

L -Living arrangements: I have lots of homes......

M - Mom's name: Linda

N - Nicknames: Mary, Marbear, Mar...

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: the last one was for an organ removal...I was trapped in the stupid hospital for like 3 weeks.

P - Pet Peeve: Slow drivers

Q - Quote from a movie: He's all right! Aren't you, cat? Poor cat! Poor slob! Poor slob without a name! The way I see it I haven't got the right to give him one. We don't belong to each other. We just took up one day by the river. I don't want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I'm not sure where that is but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's.
Name the movie and you'll be my best friend.

R - Right or left handed: Right

S - Schools attended: Estherville-Lincoln Central, Wartburg, UNI

T - Time you wake up: It depends on my day

U - Underwear: oh hello awkwardness....

V - Vegetable you dislike: squash. ick.

W - Ways you run late: too many to list. I'm always behind schedule.

X- X-ray - The last x-ray was of my abdomen....

Y - Yummy food you make: I rock in the kitchen. I made an amazing lemon pound cake tonight. Jealous?

Z - Zoo favorite: Penguins and sea otters. Don't ask.

Oh Gaga.

2010-10-02T23:37:00.001-05:00

"Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore." --Lady Gaga

It's the Asian Persuasion

2010-09-20T01:50:00.004-05:00

Reason number one why I am impatiently waiting for October to get here? This fabulous girl right here. I get to see her TWICE next month! Hello happy dance! I didn't see you there! I miss my Sammy. She's the perfect friend. We're going to see Passion Pit on the 4th and I'll be in Cedar Falls for Halloween weekend so of course I'll get to see her there! Ahem. Did you just ask me what a Passion Pit was? No. It isn't my drink of choice. We all know I'd go with bubblegum vodka and sprite for the win on that one. It's a band you should know. Go ahead. Check it out.

I'm begging my Sammy to dress like the cute Asian girl in the video because well....nobody does Asian like she does. Don't believe me? Ask her. She'll prove it to you. She lets me know how legit she is all the freaking time. Want to know a secret? I honestly don't mind! I love her to pieces. I've blogged about her before. She was there for me through some of the most public meltdowns in the history of mankind. She deserves all of the credit in the world for keeping me sane after Sean left. She's REALLY good at making fun of the guys I'm semi-interested in. Her latest rampage? Guys with Iphones. I guess if you own one you're automatically off my dating possibilities list because well...if Sam doesn't approve, I can't approve. What do you think world? Is she as awesome as I think she is?

I've also decided to blog to inform you of one thing. I'm not nearly as cynical as I could be when it comes to my outlook on things and my son's adoption. Am I a fan of the Wetmores? Obviously not. That isn't something that I feel the need to hide and I'm assuming the feeling is mutual. Do I hate ALL adoptive parents? No. Of course not. To be quite honest, I'm at peace with my decision-not the family. Now I get that the r house doesn't go out of their way to seek out distraught birthmothers hoping to give them a ray of hope, but I know they helped me. Bigtime. Mrs. R and her army of keebler elves or whatever she uses are freaking amazing. I'm not saying I want a do-over and that my son has to be with them instead....but it would have been awesome to know that there are hopeful adoptive couples and families willing to keep open lines of communication.

Why am I raving about her right now? While talking to one of my favorite birthmoms Coley today, we were doing what we do best. You guessed it, Facebook creeping. We came across an interesting "first mother's" fan page. Holy Hannah! It was intense! First of all, I hate the term "first mother". I find it annoying, pretentious, and like you have some selfish desire to be the one and only parent in your child's life. No. You made an adoption plan dudettes. You handed over the reins. Anyways, this page was filled with hatred for adoption and everyone involved. I mean I've had some bitter meltdowns on my blog about the Wetmores and how I think they're making wrong decisions when they go against everything they promised me. I get that. I never once said "I wrote the bitch back" when discussing correspondence. Sigh. It kept getting worse and worse. I jokingly told Coley that we could turn the Birthmom Buds fanpage into an even better soap opera with all of the hurting going on in our world lately. I'm assuming I was sent a death glare through the screen.

My point? After sitting there reading the comments that these "first moms" had posted I realized something. I could fully understand their hurt. I'm not a lucky birthmom that gets monthly updates. I don't get pictures. The website hasn't been updated in months. I stalk facebook almost non-stop if I'm not at work to see if they have posted any pictures. After all of this I'm still not anti-adoption. I'm pro....I don't know. Open adoption I suppose. I don't mean the whole legal definition where the parties know the other parties involved and information is exchanged. I mean the open adoption where relationships are allowed to blossom. Adoption isn't for everyone. I fully understand that. I'm not expecting Deb and I to go for manicures every time I'm in San Francisco. I'd just like to be able to pick up the phone and call if I was wondering about my little dude. I'm sick of adoption being equivalent to a swear word on TV. Or worse? That it's unhealthy for you to know your birth child. Another post on another page we found stated that an adoptive mom wasn't sure how to tell her child that the "aunt and cousin" that he had grown up knowing were really his "birthmom and birth sister". Way to go, adoptive mom. Lie to your child from the start so he already thinks it's wrong to "know" who is biological family is. Sigh. Rant over. Night world.

Creepers and becoming a hermit

2010-09-15T21:51:00.001-05:00

Hey there world. How’s it going? Things on my end are pretty wonderful right now. I locked myself in my room all day and managed to watch the first season of Glee. Don’t worry. I’m more than ready for next week! Don’t watch Glee? We probably can’t be friends. No seriously. We can’t. I miss Rachel, Finn, Quinn, and of course Artie. I’m curious to see if they continue with Quinn’s birthmother storyline or if they expect her to just keep going like nothing happened. I’m hoping for a meltdown just so it’s more real.

Want to know how to get my attention if you think I’m cute? Don’t be a freaking creeper. Seriously. Yesterday at work I was trying to do this guy’s credit card payment at work and he wouldn’t stop talking about how beautiful my eyes were and how he wouldn’t ever pay his bill by mail again. Uhhh seriously? I wasn’t blushing, dude. I was trying to bite my tongue so I didn’t shank you with my pen. One attempt is a nice try. 20 attempts? I’m not afraid to add you to my hit list. Granted I probably won’t give you a chance even if you aren’t a creeper…that’s beside the point though. We all know I believe that relationships are the most overrated things ever. I guess if you know that about me you shouldn’t even bother trying to get me to cave. It isn’t worth it. If you do try? Just don’t be a creeper. Unless you’re Kevin McHale of course. Then feel free to creep all you’d like.

I haven’t heard from the Wetmores since they left to head back home. I don’t know why I was expecting to, but it would have been nice I guess. Wishing I had been able to choose a different family has been on my heart a lot lately. To be quite frank, I’m jealous of all of these awesome relationships that birthmoms have with their child’s adoptive family. It’s one of those really worthless feelings. What makes me not good enough to get updates or emails or texts? I know. I’m a whiney little brat who should be grateful to get anything at all. It’s just the principal that I chose a certain family for a reason. I honestly regret the reasons I picked them now. What’s done is done. I honestly understand that. It’s just…wow. I guess Sean hasn’t heard from them either. I hate how we’re just a random thought in the back of their mind on occasion. It honestly makes me feel like crap. Worthless. Like they used me. Ok…I understand that they did use me, but that’s beside the point. They got what they wanted. I just wish we could find a way to discover a common ground with the updates on time like we were promised. The website hasn’t been updated in over three months and I haven’t received any hard copies since February. I guess it’s just kind of wearing me down.

I have awesome news! I’m going to be back in Cedar Falls for Halloween weekend. It should be a hot mess. I’m pretty excited for it. I haven’t picked out my costume yet, though. I have some ideas, but I’m obviously the most indecisive person ever. It sucks. I’m leaning towards an Alice in Wonderland themed Queen of Hearts type of costume. It even lights up! Can’t you imagine me walking around with a flamingo purse? I suppose when the time gets closer I’ll have to post pictures and have you guys help me decide!

ahem.

2010-09-11T07:17:00.001-05:00

BEAT STATE.

That is all.

Sometimes a flood can be a good thing

2010-08-25T13:51:00.002-05:00

I'm sure you all know that the Wetmores and I weren't exactly on speaking terms after little dude was born. Even after the birthday visit things were awkward. Communication basically stopped again. I've been sort of an emotional roller coaster. This last visit didn't exactly help any, but I think the Wetmores finally realized something. I'm hurting.

I guess I just assumed that they knew. I really did. I mean...it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that when you hand over your child to complete strangers it's going to hurt... I think the realization started when Deb and I were sitting at the museum talking while little dude wandered with Brad. The conversations were horribly awkward and of course filled with tears. I just couldn't help it. We discussed if she thought she loves little dude less than she would have one of her own. Her response? "I really don't know." Now to all of you adoptive parents out there reading this? LIE. I don't care if you really do favor a biological child or even another adopted one. There is one thing we don't want to feel-that our child is inadequate. Now don't go jumping to conclusions. I know for a fact that it wasn't intentional. It's just that of course it was the first thing that popped up in my mind. My little dude was a last resort. And don't get me wrong...I realize that he was. I know that the Wetmores didn't wake up on day and say you know what? I don't think we should even attempt to have children. I get that I was basically their last chance at a child. I do get that he probably isn't exactly the child they wanted, but he's still a child...right? I guess my biggest fear is that when they look at him they know that they settled. When they said bye to me I had a nasty meltdown. All I could think about is that June has never felt so far away. Yeah...I'm counting down the days already.

Another awkward conversation centered around Sean. I guess things just aren't meant to work out with us. The Wetmores knew for a solid 2 weeks before the fair that he didn't intend on coming with us. He told me the day of the fair that he wasn't coming anymore. Thanks for that. I guess we just went deeper into our sometimes relationship and Deb finally realized Sean isn't this perfect guy that they expected him to be. It felt nice. I know they still think I'm this teenage partier that cares more about beer than babies. At least Sean is right there with me finally. And yeah, he drinks too. At least I don't drink alone.

I don't remember crying this much in California when we visited. I didn't cry that much in California. Shouldn't this be getting easier instead of harder? I've really been in one of those "I could have raised him" moods lately. I could have. It might not have been easy, but I could have figured it out. I don't know...some days I hate my blah moods.

The visit...and then some

2010-08-22T11:47:00.005-05:00

This week has been full of driving. I drove to Ames on Monday night to stay with one of my old friends Nikki. We went out, partied our little hearts out, woke up and basically thought we were going to die. We managed to make it to the State Fair in time to pig out on way too much fair food, look at all of the silly exhibits, and go to Pat Benatar and REO Speedwagon. Don't judge. Saying goodbye to Nikki was actually lame and hard. I may or may not have cried a little. Ok you caught me...I did. I hate feeling like my oldest friend and I get to spend no time together. I'm glad Skype was invented. I'd die without it.

I was supposed to visit with the Wetmores on Thursday and Friday. Believe it or not, it actually happened. It was a mess beyond messes at first. I didn't hear from them at all on Wednesday so I assumed I wasn't going to be able to visit. I finally got a call from them around 10 in the morning on Thursday and they were basically telling me to come over. Um hello? I live 3 and a half hours away from Des Moines. Four if we're counting the insane amount of road construction that I have to go through now. Anyways, I threw some clothes in a suitcase, threw it in the back of Ironhide, and headed for Des Moines. My ride (and mind) was occupied by a phone call from one of my favorite birthmoms named Brie. Let's just say that I kind of sort of love her. Just a little. She was on the phone with me up until I first saw my little dude with his parents. Brie has this weird way of calming me down in the middle of a panic attack. Instead of sobbing even harder than I already was, she was so sweet and told me it would be fine while telling me to man the frick up at the same time. Yes, it's humanly possible. I promise we have a symbiotic relationship... She's welcome to vent to me, too. Once in a blue moon she has to! Like when she drinks wine out of a beer mug. For the record, I think that's rad.

Anyways, there I stood crying while watching little boys I didn't know race down a track on tricycles. Normally I can get over shit like this. This day? Of course not. I could see the Wetmores headed my way. My son was walking. Pretty soon he'd be racing along like this in California and I'd be missing all of it. Yep. Meltdown number one. At first the visit was horribly awkward. Nobody knew what to say, you could tell that I had been crying (yes...even with my massive sunglasses on), and this little dude was staring at me. Hello awkward. It was awful for the first hour or so. Keep in mind I didn't even get there until 2. The first building we went to was the educational center. It's where all of the baby animals were born. I was amazed by how fascinated he was by baby ducks. He didn't want to leave them! We went through some more buildings and exhibits, I watched him head butt a bowl of strawberry shortcake on accident, and we went to the horse barn. I've only had one other visit with my little dude and both times I was afraid to hold him. He grabbed my hand when we were in the horse barn, so I lifted him up to see a massive horse. What's the first thing he does? "HI!!!"

Seriously little dude? Deb had been trying to get him to talk then entire time. He wouldn't say hi to me but of course he'd say hi to a horse! If it wasn't so freaking cute I probably would have been offended! He's such a ball of energy. He loves to hop! He's getting awesome at walking and is working on the running thing. He's even a huge fan of fried oreos! Yeah that's right...go ahead and tell me genetics has nothing to do with it. He's obsessed with fried *cough* IOWA *cough* food! The day was great. It really was. My favorite part of the night was when the fireworks started. I've never enjoyed them so much in my entire life. Little dude was so fascinated. I couldn't stop watching him. I think that's what made it so special. My other favorite part was when he wrapped his hand around my BEAUTIFUL necklace from the r house's rockin shop (and from one of my favorite families on the planet)! It's a necklace that I basically wear everywhere without thinking about it. I didn't realize that Deb was watching until she said what a beautiful necklace it was. *SHIT!* Of course she was looking right at the massive "Landon" on it. I tried to hide it but realized it was way too late when she kept staring at it. Is it my fault I freaking HATE the name Alex? I've tried to get over my hatred of it. I've even tried to tolerate it. It's obviously not happening. It was one of those moments where I realized I'd either have to cave or stand my ground. What did I do? I pretended like nothing out of the ordinary was on my neck. Uhhhh right. For the record, I will go to my grave swearing that I gave my son a much better name.

The next day was spent at a science museum in Des Moines. I loved watching my little disaster in action. He's so fascinated by things that it make me watch in wonder. I'd love to be able to see inside his little head. I can already tell he's a smart little bugger. He knows how to point to his head, nose, mouth, tongue, and tummy. Cutest. Thing. Ever. He can even use a fork all by himself! I know most of you are reading this and wondering if I'm serious right now. Hell yes I'm serious! This is stuff that I don't get to witness every day! I get one visit a year. I milked it for what it was worth.

Another really awkward moment happened when I was walking around with my little dude. An older lady (probably in her 40's) had been sitting at a table close to us when we were eating. Little dude demanded milk and of course gets what he wants, so I took him up to get it. The older lady smiled at me and the comment rolled out of her mouth. "Aww your little brother is so cute! How old is he?" I stopped dead in my tracks. How does one respond to that? "Ummm he's 16 months." Shit. Didn't even get his age right! Yep! I was THAT flustered. I walked away just shaking. Of course the Wetmores found it hilarious. They would. THEY are old enough to be parents. I'm not even that young! I'm 21 years old thank you very much! That's when it hit me. She assumed the Wetmores were MY parents. Sadly, it's happened before. Minus the fact that I'm like 2 feet tall, I look a lot like the adoptive dad. Sigh. It was one of those moments where I seriously wish I would have picked...I don't know...an Asian family? Anything? I know this doesn't make sense. To be quite honest when I'm in a rational state of mind it doesn't make sense. It's more the jealous side of me showing through and wanting a little recognition for creating that little dude...aka my little brother. Ugh. The rest of the visit was uneventful. I had a few meltdowns that I'd rather not admit to. I had a weird conversation with Deb that I'll save for another post. I love my little dude. He's freaking rad. Nobody does cute like he does cute.

Well look at this...I am still breathing

2010-08-14T10:23:00.001-05:00

Lately my life has been basically tossed into a blender. If you haven’t noticed, I haven’t blogged for months. Don’t ask me why…I’ve just been busy as heck. You have no idea. I go to work, go home, pass out…wash, rinse, repeat. Menards has actually been a decent experience for me. I've been promoted twice in the three months I've been there. I am officially a head cashier. I’ve met some awesome people! I’ve also met some not so awesome people but we’ll get to that later. Let’s try to recap the past few months for you.

Remember Sean? The birthdad? We’re totally back together. I’m really really really enjoying it. I’ve only got to visit him once, but the visit was nice. It made me fall in love with Fargo (grad school anyone?) but even better? I realized Sean is still the guy that I want to be with in the end. I guess I really did have to kiss a few frogs to figure that one out. We all know that Bryan ended up being a complete tool. I never got to tell you about Evan, but he wasn’t any better. To be quite honest, he was an even bigger jerk. I’m glad that one ended before it even started. You have no idea. I suppose that really does mean all roads lead to one person-Sean Michael Mattson. Well….at least my road does. I can’t tell you exactly where your road leads. We’re currently in the process of planning our winter vacation. I’m begging him to let us go to Hawaii. He on the other hand is being a jerkface and leaning towards Seattle. I think it’s because I mentioned to him the other day that I had the crazy urge to move there. What can I say? The aquarium there is pretty amazing. Why yes…I do know that you’re judging me right now.

Being home is totally killing me. I’m so miserable. If it wasn’t for my job, I’d be completely insane by now. My friends from high school? Worthless. I don’t know why I even bothered trying to hang out with them. They seriously haven’t left high school. My Menards friends on the other hand are pretty legit. Josh is basically my best friend and little brother. He’s one of the coolest kids I’ve met in quite some time. Sometimes I feel like I have more faith in him than he has in himself though. Cosima is a pretty fun girl. We’re a lot alike I suppose. I guess she’s with Jared now…yeah…uh…talk about awkward. We haven’t had much time to hang out lately, but I guess I still consider her a friend. There’s this one co-worker that really intrigues me though. His name is Mike and he’s super new. When we first started hanging out, we really clicked. Lately things have been awkward as hell. I’m not really sure if he thinks I’m into him or what. That obviously isn’t the case. I’ve even tried to point out the fact that I have a boyfriend. A boyfriend that I’ve basically been with for three years. Granted we did have that nasty break in the middle, but I’m pretending that didn’t happen if you can’t tell. Anyways, what I’m basically trying to say is that in another world I might actually be into Mike. He’s that freaking awesome. In this world, I’m hooked on a completely different guy. I just don’t want to lose this friendship just because Mike thinks we’re awkward. He’s an amazing guy. He really is. I just have no idea where I stand with him and I have no idea how to ask without it coming out like “dude, I’m into you. Are you into me?” Things are awkward enough as they are. The last thing I need is for a guy that could be a really good friend to assume I’m madly in love with him.

Other than that, my life has been on wash, rinse, repeat. The Wetmores were talking about coming to the State Fair…I haven’t heard any definite plans though so I just don’t know. I suppose this is the part where I ask you to cross your fingers for me.

The silver lining

2010-05-12T22:19:00.003-05:00

Mother's Day came and went. I was more than excited that it was over...let me tell you. Spring is my least favorite season of the year. I've never liked it. There's just too much emphasis put on love and romance and that insanely sickening and sweet stuff. Thanks but no thanks. Boys and I just do not get along right now. Screw you, Spring. I'll stick to fall.

Mother's Day...nothing from the Wetmores. I mean...it's not like I was expecting anything. We all know that would be asking WAY too much. What did I get instead? A reminder that someone out there is watching out for me. I spent the Saturday before Mother's Day in Cedar Falls. I spent Mother's Day with the most insane hangover ever. Yeah...not my brightest idea. On the amazing side, I have some awesome cheerleaders in my life. Sammy, Lindsey, Mackenzie, the Stokes family, and Sean...I love you all. They all sent me an email. Some even announced it on twitter. I think they're all pretty rad.

The best present? My grandma got me a beautiful scarf (since I love my scarves...) and my cousin Kayla sent me carnations. I love how they remembered me... I know my grandparents don't always understand what I'm going through, but I do know they're making an effort.

That's the silver lining...I'm blessed with some pretty rad people...even when the Wetmores blow. It's moments like this where I remember who my friends are!

She swears

2010-05-05T22:29:00.002-05:00

and I love her. Lily Allen seriously speaks to me. Why? That's a very good question. She's esentially the voice in my head. I wish I could be as fun and fearless as her. Sure she swears a lot. So do I. Yeah...she drinks. A lot. I...don't. Not like her at least. But still. The girl is awesome. Anyways, these are the songs that I've been playing over and over again. Yep, she swears in the first one...the second one isn't bad...

I hope you're tapping your foot by now. I know I am.

I'm dreading Saturday. I know the Wetmores aren't going to send me anything. I'm not expecting anything. I still know I'll be disappointed when I don't get anything. Not just disappointed...like crushed. That's what bothers me. The fact that even though I know not to expect anything, I'm going to be crushed and completely heartbroken. I've already been breaking down every single day this week. I didn't know why, but I suppose it's due to Mother's Day. Yikes. I love how I subconsciously melt down now. Go me. My grandpa went off on me last night. It was hilarious. I guess I'm selfish because I don't think I can face my wonderful family on Mother's Day for dinner. Half of the family doesn't know about my son. How awful would that be if I had a random sobbing meltdown in front of them? What the heck would happen if I couldn't stop crying? How would I explain that? I couldn't.

I think I'll be ok eventually. I'm really craving an awesome outfit like "I get my good looks from my birthparents".....the r house has an awesome one that I'm really tempted to buy. I know it will be a huge waste of money, but I honestly don't care at this point. I wish the Wetmores realized how much holidays suck...especially when they don't even realize I exist.

Does moving forward mean leaving the past in the past?

2010-05-03T18:06:00.003-05:00

If you didn't know, I was supposed to be in Charlotte this past weekend for a birthmom event. I obviously didn't make it due to family issues. What worries me is that it didn't bother me at all. The thing that I was most upset about was the money in flight cancellation fees that I lost. Lamesauce. I guess I'm just wondering why it didn't even phase me. Other people were bummed that they weren't there... I was having a perfectly good time at Kick-Ass and the bars. Does that mean I'm moving on? Even stranger...does that mean I'm leaving things behind? Weirder yet...people?

I'm so over the whole birthmom label. I get that it's what I am. I also get that I can't pick and choose when I use it. It's part of who I am now. I just hate how some days I feel like I'm dwelling on things. The past few days I've really missed my son. When I miss my son, it makes me miss Sean for some odd reason. I really miss what we used to have. I miss curling up in bed watching a movie...Chau dive bombing us...talking about the future... All of that is gone now. I know that my future is entirely different. I'm not raising my son, I'm not with my son's father anymore, I still crave him as much as I crave strawberry shortcake... Things are entertaining right now...

I think I mentioned that I was talking with this tool from Wartburg lately...Bryan is just being a complete jerk right now. The other night was rough. He supposedly pocket dialed me but obviously I didn't know that so I thought I'd call him back. Yeah...he basically went off on me after a seemingly normal conversation. I swear I did NOTHING wrong. I'm just done with him. He's not worth my time anymore. I suppose I'll consider him in the past. Now don't get me wrong. He is SO not my type. He's short, awkward, slightly odd... Oh yeah...and he's moody as crap. No thanks. I wasn't hoping for a relationship out of it. I was just kind of enjoying hanging out with him. One night we sat there and watched the stars through my sunroof and it was incredible. I'd love to have more nights like that with him but I suppose that isn't possible anymore.

E.J. and I are still sort of ok. I just hate how busy we are. Things would be so much easier if he didn't work all of the freaking time. Then again, I have no room to talk lately either. I'm working 60 hours this week. Imagine how well that's going to go over with us when we're trying to hang out? I'll make it work somehow even if I have to kidnap him and take him fishing! He's so adorable. You have no idea. He might be a little bit of a redneck, but maybe that isn't such a bad thing!

It's amazing what I'm willing to leave in the past right now. What scares me is that it doesn't even seem like I'm missing a lot of the stuff. I do miss Sean. I really miss Sean. I just don't think I miss some of the other stuff...

Keeping my other half in my thoughts...

2010-04-29T17:52:00.003-05:00

There are plenty of awesome birthmoms in my world, plenty that I consider my close friends, and plenty that rock my socks. There is ONE that is seriously like my other half. I'm sure you've heard about Brie...or at least her first name. Now I'm asking you to keep her in your thoughts and send her good vibes. Her sister is having her first child and I can't imagine how much it must suck. Especially when your family completely oblivious to the fact that you're hurting...big time. Her family is a lot like mine in the sense that they think everyone's world should be perfect. Yep. That includes their awesomely rad daughter Brie. I know they aren't trying to intentionally hurt Brie or forget that she's hurting. I honestly think they're not even remotely aware that this is almost if not even more painful than placing her daughter.

I promise she's excited for her sister. I just wish that her family would realize how much it blows to be in her situation right now. Brie is sooooooo freaking adorable, yet she thinks she's a plain Jane. Trust me. She isn't. She's quite fab. She always says how perfect her sister is, yet all I can do is think about how awesome Brie is. I know you'd be jealous of her. I know I am! In a good way...I promise.

Brie's one downfall is the fact that she's a martyr. What really blows is that I'm the same way so I know how easy it is to do that. Instead of worrying about everyone else, let's worry about Brie today! She's heading back home to wait for her sister and brother-in-law to welcome their child into this world...a few virtual hugs wouldn't hurt her at all! I know how awesome she is. I also know that she forgets to worry about herself. So let's worry about her FOR her!! We love you, Brie. I promise we'll get on The Amazing Race soon. No really...we're auditioning for it. That's how rad this girl is. I'm willing to travel around the entire world with her. Instead of the Cowboys we could be the Birthmoms... Talk about ratings! Anyways, feel free to drop Brie a line of encouragement. You can leave a comment for her or email me at hicks.marilee@gmail.com. I just want her to feel as much virtual love as I do from you guys. Sadly, you're more of a shoulder to cry on than my real life friends. We all know that as much as laughter rocks, you can't always expect it to fix everything. We can't laugh the pain away.

Tuesdays aren't for me...

2010-04-28T13:51:00.004-05:00

Let's just start out by saying I did attempt to go into the meeting with an open mind. Tuesday meetings aren't going to work for me, though. I'm pleased to announce that my family agrees. The second I walked into the room I felt like I was in that scene from Remember the Titans where Gary takes his African American teammates into a restaurant and none of them can get waited on. That's not the worst part, though...the worst part was the staring from the older wives that were there. How do I know they were wives? They all made it a point to say it. One even had the audacity to say "I know your husband couldn't be old enough to be an alcoholic." as she glanced at my noticeably naked ring finger. I think it did that uncomfortable twitch like it was hiding itself from the world.

After that I took my seat in the back and kind of just hid. I went to check the time and got yelled at for being on my phone. Since when am I still in high school? I'm sorry I don't wear a watch like the rest of you. It's not like I was answering it or anything... Trust me. I sprinted out of that room. The worst part of it? I forgot I had a 20 minute drive home...Glee. I missed the first part of Glee. Thank goodness for DVR otherwise I would have been one very cranky gleek. Yep, another reason why Tuesdays won't work out.

"I'm sure there's a better time with even better people that will be more convenient for you!"-Brie. I don't know how the heck the girl stays so darn optimistic, but I love her. For reals. So don't worry, I'm going to go to ANOTHER meeting tonight. If this one doesn't work out, I'm going to check out the one on Friday. I'm also going to talk to someone to see if I could sneak into Alateen. I think a place with children of alcoholics is a little better suited for me. Agreed?

What some people may or may not realize is that I just don't have contact with my biological mom. I was accused of being a hypocrite since I get pissed when the Wetmores don't keep in contact with me, but let me clear some stuff up. My biological mom was given WAY too many chances to change. She chose to keep drinking. She chose to keep abusing me. Don't believe me? I have scars to prove it. Her decisions led us to the position we're in today. I have an entirely separate world that I never want her to be a part of. Heck, she doesn't even know that she's "technically" a grandmother! What I did was entirely different. I chose to give my son more. I chose to place my son. I did not lose him. He was not forcefully removed from my home. Giving birth doesn't make someone a mother. Giving him everything he deserves and more makes her a mother. Yes, I do still consider myself a mother. I do NOT consider my biological mom a mother.

I DO talk to my biological grandparents and the rest of our family. They're awesome. It also makes things really difficult in a lot of ways. She randomly shows up sometimes, like the incident where she showed up wasted out of her mind and accused me of beating the living hell out of her. Riiiight. My cousin's response? "Yeah...since a 6 year old little kid can take on a full grown adult". On the other hand, it's pretty simple considering she's cut out of everyone's lives. It's kind of sad in a way, but you create your own life. The woman just doesn't want to change and quite frankly, I have my own family to worry about. This may seem harsh, but I don't care. Foster care life is awkward as heck and she gave me that start in life. Now I'm doing the best I can with what I can-no thanks to her. I promise I've forgiven her. I just choose not to trust her. It's official...as of less than half an hour ago, she was committed into a long term detox, rehab and psych treatment. Awesome.

Lois Wilson, I'm dreading this...

2010-04-25T21:53:00.003-05:00

Who is Lois Wilson? She is the creator of Al-Alon, a support group for people dealing with family members or other close people with alcoholism. How does this effect me? Starting Tuesday, I will be one of those people sitting in the meeting. I'm scared out of my mind to be quite honest. I'm usually that person who loves standing out, but for once in my life I'm hoping I can wear enough white to blend into the wall. If it's any other color consider me screwed. I'm not quite sure how to handle brick yet...I'll get back to you.

Anyways, my biological mom has gotten out of control...again. With me being stuck back home this Summer, this is one of my family's requirements. Attend Al-Anon meetings. I'm going to try to weasel my way into Alateen if they have those around here... Oh by the way, I have noticed that I'm not quite a teen anymore.

I'm dreading this if you didn't read the title. I avoid going home at all costs so I don't have to deal with my biological mom. I guess that's a major sign that you're supposed to go to stuff like this according to the online paperwork. Yikes. I'm sure this is going to be a good thing for me. I also promise that I'm going to be as open minded as possible. That's never gone over well, though. I don't see why I should have to suffer through this. I feel like they're going to drive me there and sit and wait for me JUST to make sure I go in and stay in. Don't be surprised if they hold my hand and walk me in. Heck! They might even sit outside the door!

Hearts understand in ways minds cannot.

I really do love this quote by Lois Wilson. As a wife of an alcoholic, I can't believe how strong she was. I had no choice in mine. She could have divorced him in a second. I only wish I could have the strength she had. I'm not expecting to love my mom. As harsh as that sounds, I know that I can't. At least right now I can't. I guess I'll just wing it and see what happens. I'll let you know how Tuesday goes.

Things family should probably know

2010-04-18T17:11:00.002-05:00

If I haven't mentioned it earlier, I'm moving back home for a while to figure some things out with my life. Another reason is to make sure my grandma doesn't strangle my grandpa. My grandpa's health isn't the greatest, and lately he's been attempting to overcompensate by working his butt off, not letting us do anything, and then exhausting himself. Way to go, grandpa. He's driving my grandma up the wall. I might as well go work for the UN after this.

One of their biggest problems is that they're so stubborn. Basically me on steroids. They ALWAYS think they're right to the point of unintentionally scarring me for life. Now don't get me wrong, I love them. I really really do. They're just...old fashioned with a lot of their thinking. Their latest hang up? My son.

I love them for caring about my pain. I hate the way they word it. They act like I'm hung up on the past and can't escape. In all reality, I'm moving towards the future. They keep telling me that the updates are going to stop so I need to stop talking to the Wetmores. While this is a huge fear of mine (since it's happened already), I need to keep a little faith. I just wish that they realized how much being in my son's life means to me.

My grandpa seems to be getting cranky, which I'm more than able to handle...it's just some of his comments that bother me. He keeps telling me to "get over it". If I could I would, Grandpa. For reals. I think the thing about adoption is that I can't just magically get over something like this and I can't really drop it... He's always be a part of my world even if I'm not a part of his. I hate hearing that I can just get over something like that...

I do know that they mean well. They really do. They're just trying to protect their (not so) innocent grand daughter. I just want to be able to prove to them that open adoption was the right decision. They have a handsome as crap great grandson. Granted they might not get to visit him as often as they would if I was raising him, but I think that might be for the best. Maybe. Who knows.

I swear I'm alive

2010-04-17T17:50:00.003-05:00

For reals, I'm still breathing. Things are just crazy right now. Instead of an actual legit post, I'm going to make a list. Yep...you'll love it as much as I will.

Music I'm rocking? The Weepies
Food I've been living off of? Goat cheese
Shoes I'm wearing? Cheap as heck black ballet flats that I am IN love with!
Friends I miss? Sam and Mackenzie
Boys that suck? Basically all of them
Most exciting find? Neon green eyeliner from like 7th grade. It doesn't look safe but oh well
Exciting news? Kayla and I are talking!! I missed her!!
Lame news? We hate the same person. Weird.
Job? None...I'm working on it.
School? Blows. I am seriously taking a year off...and scared shitless.
Random fact? Glenn Beck was a pot head. I KNOW!! I was just as shocked when I found out!!
Hair color? Needing to be redone. It's gross. My blonde and red is growing out...
Current activity? Shooting squirrels with Grandpa.
Boys that are confusing? See above answer...pretty much all of them.
Biggest problem? The car search...
Simplest problem? Deciding the colors of my bedroom
Random thought? I should wrap gifts for a living

What's in a name?

2010-04-08T16:48:00.003-05:00

I don't think I've ever gone into much detail about this because the Wetmores and I didn't exactly talk, but I'm mentioning it now. I hate my son's name. Alexander. Ick. I would have taken pretty much any other name...maybe. I thought it would grow on me. I really really did. I've tried to accept it. I really really have. I just cringe every single time I hear it. I can't even meet another Alex without shaking my head. Why do I have to hate the name so much?

Now don't get me wrong. I get that the adoptive parents had every right to name him whatever they pleased. That's not what I'm saying at all. I just wish he would have been given a name I could tolerate. I hate to say my son's name is Alex. It just doesn't suit him. He's a Landon...maybe Asher. Perhaps Gavin. I really did Gavin. Alex is so...boring. And common. And old. I dated an Alex. Alexander is even worse. I never would have guessed that they would have settled on a name that I hated so much. I'm not going to lie, when I was pregnant choosing a name was the least of my worries. I had way more important things to worry about and he was my little seamonkey. Now I cringe literally every time I go to facebook stalk pictures of him and see someone calling him Alex. UGH! I hate it. He is too darn cute to be an Alex.

Another pet peeve that comes with facebook stalking? Realizing that I don't exist in these peoples' eyes. I mean...I don't need to wave a banner around saying I have a son, but it hurts when I see people posting "he picked up your genes" (at least they know he's adopted) and how cute he is. The one that hurts the most? "I didn't think he could get any more beautiful. I guess being loved and wanted can do that to you." Uh...I did want him. I wanted him more than anything. I just loved him enough to give him what I couldn't... Jerkfaces.

I have enough common sense to realize that these people posting stuff have no idea that I'm reading them. I also know that they have no idea how much their comments hurt. It sucks reading these comments about how cute he is and how happy of a family they are. What really sucks is that it's exactly what I wanted. I wanted nothing more than my son to be happy and loved. I just didn't want to be on the outside looking in. I wasn't expecting to see a picture of me or anything in their family album. That would be asking way too much. It would be nice to hear how much he looks like me or something though... Am I losing my mind?

Here I am complaining about stuff that I can't fix. I'm whining about stuff that shouldn't even matter. His name? Why can't I get over it? It's a stupid name. I'm going to have to hear it until I die. I need to figure out why it bothers me so much (besides the fact that I can't stand the ex I suppose...). I also need to figure out how to look from the outside without being offended when I realize that these people don't even know that I exist.

Are we serious?

2010-04-06T22:05:00.005-05:00

So...I'm sitting here watching the news with my family. Not cool. This whole mining accident in West Virginia is nuts. How many violations did it have before it collapsed? Exactly. Why does it take a crisis like this where people lose their lives for the world to take notice? If they had so many violations something should have been done. Let's use common sense, peeps. For reals.

Oh lordy...I went to dinner with Amanda tonight. I'm NEVER eating that much ever again. My body can't handle that anymore. I'm still full....5 hours later. On the plus side, I'm glad she'll be here to keep me sane. Like super super glad. I've missed her. I hated how she decided student teaching and graduating was more important than keeping me company in Cedar Falls, but that's ok. Now she'll be here to keep me company when I go insane. WOOHOO! She said something sad today...she said she didn't think she was a very good friend. I had to remind her that I wasn't a needy friend and I'm able to handle being friends with people who have lives. I'm an adult. So world...you hear that? If you want to be my friend, I promise I won't be demanding and needy!

I thought I'd be friendly and text E.J. today...no response. Why do boys have cooties? I mean sure I don't really know if he's working days or nights right now, but still. A text wouldn't kill him. I'm sure I'll hear from him tomorrow. I have to get my oil changed tomorrow, so I'll be running into DJ. Yikes. This should be entertaining. I'm totally just going to play it off like he didn't blow me off for drinks this week. Note to self: date guys with less busy schedules.

Just thought I'd give you a sample of what I've been listening to nonstop. I don't know why. Help me. Ke$ha was way cooler before she was mainstream, but I still find her pretty rad.

The problem with being home? My grandma and I bake nonstop. It's insane. I feel like she's attempting to domesticate me. I've always been a decent baker and cook, Grandma. I don't need to prove myself. Do not domesticate me, woman. I promise we'll be ok. On the plus side, I did murder some awesome lemons for a lemon pound cake! Dear future husband...I promise I'll be an awesome cook.

A mild rant

2010-04-05T00:28:00.004-05:00

I think I need to go back to black hair. I haven't gone that dark since high school. It's time for a change. Also, black pretty much describes my situation right now. Call me emo, call me a hipster, call me punk...no matter what you call me I am still going to be me. Honestly, I love myself overall. I'm feisty, I'm fun, I'm caring...what's not to love? Also, why do labels matter so much? And why does hair fall into that? My black hair and myself shouldn't matter. It's just hair. It doesn't make me any different than the Ashley Tisdale wannabe. Ok...the truth? I'm tired of my highlights looking horrible and faded blonde, and I'm tired of having my burgundy touched up every month. I just wish my natural color wasn't black. I could avoid a lot of emo comments that way.

Don't get me started on the gas guzzler I am now stuck driving. I spent over $49 filling up my gas tank today. Is it too much to ask for a more fuel efficient car? I'll be out of gas in less than a week with how much I've had to drive lately. I'm already back down to three fourths of a tank. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Seriously? I hate Memorial Day Weekend. It really shouldn't jack gas up just because I live in a vacation destination. Um right. Good one. Basically I'm demanding a hummer if my car is going to suck up this much gas. At least then I'd be awesome.

Boys also have cooties. Sean is being lame, E.J. is being confusing, and DJ is just too darn busy. Good golly...how confusing is that one? I wish boys came with a handbook. Honestly, girls are NOT that difficult. Treat us well, let us drive your truck, and don't assume we're pansies who are afraid to get dirty. We don't need flowers or fancy gifts. Just make sure you don't drink our beer. Oh wait. That's my handbook. See? How hard would I be to date? I wonder if I'm almost too easygoing some days. Who knows. If a guy really wants me to be high maintenance, I suppose I can try to oblige. Perhaps. Let's face it, world. I'm just not cut out to be high maintenance. I can try, but I doubt it will work out well.

I've been meaning to get to this...

2010-04-02T14:35:00.005-05:00

TADAAA! It's my second award! I'm pretty sure I received it a month ago, but life just hasn't been cooperating with acknowledging it. Oops. Danon over at The Insatiable Host just kills me. Please tell me you've checked her out. If not, please do it. It will make you giggle.

The Sunshine Blog Award is awarded to bloggers whose positivity and creativity inspire others in the blog world. The rules for accepting the award are:

1. Put the logo on your blog or within your post.
2. Pass the award to 5 bloggers.
3. Link the nominees within your post.
4. Let them know they received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.
6. Share 5 things about yourself

I think I can manage to do these things...wish me luck.

Here we are...the 5 bloggers that I think deserve this. Can I start by complaining that Danon gave it to me and I INSTANTLY thought of her? She'll be number 6. Deal? Deal.

1. Lilly over at A Pre-Life Crisis. Why? The girl cracks me up. She's exactly where I am in my life except for the fact that she's done with school and working a big girl job...and a not so big girl job, but at least she looks hot in her dress! We both are trying to navigate the dating world, both take silly pictures on our blackberries, and both just want to have a good time and love life. Even when it's a downer post, it's still full of giggles. Don't believe me? Check out the nun post. It killed me until I realized I've considered the exact same thing...minus the whole being Baptist instead of Catholic thing. Minor details.

2. Coley from Coley's Corner is going through a mess of a tough time, yet still manages to radiate sunlight and keep me sane. Keeping me sane deserves a Nobel to be quite honest. She gets major major major brownie points for being so rad.

3. Sammy from Delicate Opulence would be my number 3. Besides the fact that she's one of the few bloggers I actually know in real life, she's all around fab. Any girl that loves Nylon as much as I do needs to be included in this list. If you're ever down, I can assure you pictures of her guinea pig will cheer you up.

4. Makenzie over at blah, blah, blah just for shits and giggles. The girl rants non-stop. I love it. I wish more people were that outspoken. Life would be CRAZY. Oh...and I'm with her on the prom dresses...I'd wear them every day if I could, too.

5. My last blog award goes to Chris from A Deliberate Life. She always has awesome advice and is doing a kick ass job when it comes to weight loss. I know...I know....I should be more like her. Watch me! I'm like a kitten, though. I'm fascinated by the sparkly feather until you toss me the jingle ball. I'm fascinated with the jingle ball until you toss me the stuffed animal....you get the picture.

Oh lordy...5 things about myself that you already don't know? I'm sure I can turn these 5 things into a blog post...or 10. Maybe just 5.

1. I'm moving back home for the summer to work and I'm terrified. I haven't been home for more than 4 days in a row since May 2007. This should be interesting. Hopefully I manage to not kill anyone.

2. I'm terrified to date someone from my home "area". I'd say hometown, but that would give me 1 or 2 options. I call it the area because it seems like that's what we do...date in our neighboring communities. I just don't want to. I'm terrified that I'll actually fall in love with this guy and live here for the rest of my life. I don't know if northwest Iowa can handle me for that long. I don't even know how it survived 18 years of me.

3. I'd love to get a tattoo this summer to prove to the world (and myself) that I'm completely over Sean, but the one problem is the whole kitten thing. I'm afraid I'll get tired of it. Or hate it. Or want it to be different. I suppose I'll have to settle for another piercing.

4. As much as I'm dreading living at home, I can honestly say I missed my family. I really don't want to have to deal with some of the shit that I'm going to have to put up with, but it should be worth it. Especially since I'll be close enough to E.J. to see if anything might work out. This Summer should be pretty interesting.

5. I was 99% sure that I was going to move to San Francisco for grad school, but now I have no idea. I could end up anywhere right about now. I guess whatever makes me happiest works for me right now.

Gentlemen prefer blondes

2010-04-01T14:30:00.003-05:00

So...there's one minor detail that I left out when it comes to St. Patty's Day. I kind of met a guy. He's this cute little farm boy that I couldn't help but adore. The awkward turtle moment? He's my cousin's ex. In my defense, she introduced us. We randomly texted after St. Patty's Day, but obviously nothing too exciting came from it if he didn't even get a blog post. How sad is it that you know I'm excited about a guy if I mention him in my blog? Anyways, this guy is so like my old boyfriends. Things with him are familiar. He isn't a hipster. He's not a city boy. He knows how to work and works damn hard. Yep...throw him in the high school boyfriend pile. Want to know the one thing that REALLY puts him right up there with the other high school boyfriends?

He prefers blondes. Ugh. What is so great about them? I'm sorry that God blessed me with dark skin, hair and eyes. Is that really such a problem? I like to think of myself as cute-blonde or not. We all know that I'd go blonde if I could...I blame boys and their obsession over a silly hair color. It's just hair, people. Does it really make that big of a deal? Now don't get me wrong. He isn't a jerk about it like the others. "You'd be so much hotter blonde." or "Wow...I only date blondes. How did you get so lucky?" (Yes...someone said that). This guy was way more chill about it. We were sitting there on his couch when he said it. "You know, you're the first brunette I've ever considered being with." Ouch. The dreaded blonde comment. He then went on to say "blondes may have more fun, but at least brunettes remember it!" A for effort, buddy. Why is it that the world as a whole assumes brunettes are stuffy boring librarians? Nothing against librarians, mind you. I wanted to be one for the longest time. Shoot...maybe what they said about brunettes is right. So kidding! I know I can be just as fun as a blonde, and I know some blondes that are pretty boring. Go figure.

Anyways, E.J. honestly doesn't seem that bad. Sometimes it annoys me how he can't respond to a text right away, but I'm getting over that. He has a real job. Enough said. Honestly readers...did you ever think I'd be showing interest in someone so settled down already? What happened to the college frat boys? Where did they go? It should be pretty interesting to see what happens along this road. What scares me is that I'm so comfortable when I'm with him. Things are just like they were in high school. It's kind of like I'm in a time warp.

Can't get you out of my head....

2010-03-29T12:05:00.003-05:00

This is the song that I can NOT get out of my head. I rock out to it nonstop lately. Save me. Seriously, it won't go away.

Non-birthmothers just don't get it

2010-03-27T23:06:00.004-05:00

Ok...I know this is going to be a rant, but I'm irate. Sort of. Slightly. No...more hurt. I don't expect my friends to understand what I'm going through, but throwing their ideas out there like I should agree? That just makes you ignorant and naive. This is why I vent to you, wonderful readers. You keep your opinions semi-positive and don't look down on me.

So, we all know that DJ was married and has a son. Right? Well now you do. This didn't even phase me one bit...then the talks started getting kind of serious. Shoot. Could I actually see myself with this guy? I tried to talk it over with Abby. Her response? You're getting way ahead of yourself. Not to be rude, but you have a son too.

Excuse me? No I don't. Well...yes, I DO...but still. I'm not raising him. I'm not his mother. I'm his birthmother. Big difference. I then tried to talk it over with another birthmother (who will remain nameless, but she knows who she is) and the first thing out of her mouth...er...text was dead on.

Let me guess. The son is about the same age as Landon and you're terrified that if things work out he's going to resent you for having a pseudo son his age.

Exactly. Good golly the girl is brilliant. Flash back to Abby? She still didn't get it. She kept saying that obviously a child was a deal breaker. Um...no. Not at all, especially since I would LOVE kids down the road when I'm financially ready and have the support of an awesome husband. Someday. This guy has a big boy job (obviously), so there weren't any problems there. The only thing that scares me is facing my son someday with another son the exact same age as him.

This brilliant birthmother also brought up another thing that Abby just couldn't understand. We view relationships differently than a lot of people. While we aren't looking to head down the alter, a lot of us seriously try to figure out if the guy is even worth our time. We've obviously been burned by at least one guy in our life. We've had to grow up and face some crazy stuff. A lot of us want to strangle the birthfathers. Some of my friends have watched guys walk away and leave them to face the pregnancy alone. I'm just saying...I analyze EVERY guy way more than I would have a few years ago. Dates are calculated. I judge a man's every move. It isn't pretty.

I'm not expecting you to understand what I'm going through. Heck, I don't even expect you to care. Just don't keep pushing your ideas on me like I'm an idiot. I get what you're trying to say...you're just wrong.

Ok. Vent done.

No date, but being Irish was sort of great

2010-03-24T12:48:00.002-05:00

Well the whole DJ hangout didn't exactly work out. I'm not that concerned about it. He was too busy at work on Friday to answer his phone, and I was too busy at the Miss Shamrock pageant by the time he got off work. Oh well! Overall, I'd consider my weekend a bust. It had some decent moments, but we'll just call it a train wreck. The highlight of my weekend? I got to see my favorite cousin. She's just rad.

The other parts of the weekend? Not so hot...

I did run into some high school friends. That was...interesting to say the least. I literally have not talked to these people since 2007. Can you say awkward? I could feel the looks. "Holy...she's huge." Why yes. I am compared to high school. It's funny what having a child that you don't know about and then thinking depression eating is a good idea can do to a person.

But that's ok....why? I have an awesome and supportive cousin. She really is the one person that has supported me through this entire mess of a life I've had. I'm lucky. I wish everyone could have a Kayla in their life.

The date with DJ didn't happen. It's a long story, but my little cousin dancing was more important than waiting for him to get off work. You might call me impatient (well...I am), but I consider it choosing my family first. They'll always win. Well...they'll win until we're pretty darn serious. Until I become part of your family, they're going to trump you. He called me Saturday afternoon saying he was considering visiting me that night, but he changed his mind. Stupid March. His March is my February. Those months are just NOT good for us. He wants to wait until April. Granted that isn't a horribly long time from now, it's still frustrating.

Rachel Getting Married

2010-03-23T17:23:00.001-05:00

Have you caught Rachel Getting Married yet? If not, you really need to. I urge you. It is by far the best movie I've watched in quite some time. I've been meaning to watch it, but was waiting patiently for Netflix to release it for instant play. I wish I hadn't waited. The movie makes you feel that you're part of Kym's dysfunctional world the second it starts. I love it. As pathetic as it sounds, I wish I was Kym-minus the rehab and the drug addiction. She's so witty, open, honest, accepting....I love her. Oh yeah...and her hair? Amazing! I'm not going to get into the plot, but I'll tell you this. If you've ever felt like the black sheep of your family, turn this on. I laughed. I cried. I smiled. I remembered how awesome my family really is.

This movie was pretty indie in my book. The music was quite incredible and was literally in the movie. I couldn't help but chuckle when Kym told the musicians to shut up. Then it dawned on me. Those were my friends. They were the hipster, non-judgmental, overly accepting group. They loved music, art and people. They weren't afraid to be different.

While Kym is busy attempting to take responsibility for her actions, it really is amazing to watch the relationship redevelop between her and her sister. My overall rating? Easily 5 stars.

In the spirit of Health Care Reform...

2010-03-22T14:09:00.001-05:00

American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce.... I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood ..

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

We'll set English as the national language and require legal immigration. You can keep the ones who do not want to learn it, and grant the illegal ones amnesty so they can take away American jobs.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you Answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
Marilee Hicks
& Your Conservative Friends

The great match makers..

2010-03-18T14:44:00.000-05:00

If you were to meet my grandparents, you would probably laugh your ass off. They are these uptight little people who don't know how to joke around for the life of them. They also take life way too seriously. Their newest quest? Finding me a husband. Uhhh hello? I'm only 21. Barely 21 at that! The only person I approve of marrying so young is Kayla. And besides, even Kayla admitted that getting married didn't mean settling down! She's 23 now, and kids STILL aren't on her radar. Well...they might be a little speck on the horizon, but I blame the military for that one.

Anyways, remember the death of my car? With the death of my car came a new one. With that came a charming young car dealer that was kind enough to pick me up and drive me the 4 hours back to our car dealership. No...4 1/2 hours did NOT mean we took unexpected stops. It meant that it was really super foggy AND DJ decided to get pulled over. OOPS. Way to go, Ace. This guy was awesome. He was cute, funny, charming, smart... What wasn't to love? Oh yeah...he's almost 27 and in the process of a divorce. Eek. Minor details!

We really hit it off. Towards the end of our trip, he kept trying to talk me into going to dinner with him. I of course didn't accept. Just call me classy. Or shy. Take your pick. We've been texting here and there, and I finally caved. We're doing dinner this weekend.

Fast forward to the latest conversation with my grandparents. They are seriously playing matchmaker. It's nuts. After texting DJ, I decided it would be a good idea to make sure THEY were ok with it. How could they not be, right? Just in case, here's the convo with my grandma.
blah blah blah random words...
"So...DJ and I have been talking a little lately..."-me
"He is a nice young man, isn't he?"-grandma
"Yeah, I'm quite fond of him. He invited me to do dinner with him..."-me
"Well that sounds exciting. Are you going to go?"-gma (sounding really nervous at this point)
"I figured I'd run it by you since he's your car guy and everything..."-me
"Is he married?"-gma
"No"-me
"Divorced?"-gma
"Getting there..."-me
"Well let me ask your grandfather."-gma

Now let me just say that USUALLY my grandma puts the phone down and walks away to ask him...she does NOT hold the phone in the middle of the conversation.

"Robert...would it be ok if DJ took Marilee out some night?"-good ol' grandma
"Well...I suppose that would be alright."-grandpa

That's when it hit me. They're trying to set me up.

Taco House it is. Wish me luck!

Plastic? No thanks

2010-03-15T09:26:00.000-05:00

Oh look...a Barbie doll. Can somebody tell me what in the world is so great about her? She's a million feet tall, has plastic hair, and is way too shiny. I mean seriously...why the heck do girls look up to her? Why in the world would anyone want to be her? What's so great about her?

The other day, I was wearing my Barbie shirt. First of all, let me defend it by saying it's retro and the proceeds went to breast cancer awareness. Second of all, I usually wear it to mock the fact that little girls worship Barbie. As I was walking into Tanworld, this tiny little blonde was like "OHMIGOSH I LOVEEEE YOUR SHIRT!! IT'S SOOOOO ADORABLE!!" Sigh. I looked at her for about 5 seconds before telling her I was mocking conformity and the fact that people view Barbie as the ideal woman and a role model. Her response? Barbie wouldn't wear those shoes, anyways. Uhhhh and your problem is? You're what...16 and comparing me to a doll still. Do I look ANYTHING like a Barbie? No. Also, I don't care to.

I almost peed my pants laughing. Heaven forbid Barbie would be caught dead in skinny jeans and pink plaid shoes. After I checked in and waited to bake, I actually had to ask myself if I was my own Barbie. Granted, Barbie isn't filled with metal, isn't brunette, doesn't have flaws or curves, doesn't drive a "college car", wouldn't be caught dead shopping at Hot Topic or American Apparel among other things, I seriously had to ask myself why I needed to be brown. I've decided that it's something that I do for myself. I don't do it because Hollywood says tan is in. I don't do it because my friends are all doing it. I can justify this. After sitting there thinking about my tanning motives, I seriously had to analyze pretty much every detail in my life and ask myself what got me started on it or why I did it.

What about the ones that can't, though? It scares me when one of my friends talks about how fat and ugly she is. This girl is the exact opposite. She's so stunning that it makes me sick. She's this cute little thing with awesome hair and awesome fashion sense, yet she compares herself to these toothpicks that wouldn't know good Thai (or any good food for that matter), if it bit them on the nose...or shoved itself down their throats. These are the same girls that honestly probably have just as low self-esteem as the rest of us. Ok...I don't have low self-esteem. Honestly, I freaking love myself. There are just a few things I'd change if I could.

Would I be Barbie? Heck no! They are so overrated. They can't even make a cute brunette one! And how long did it take them to make an African American doll? Exactly. My girls probably won't have Barbies. There really isn't anything that great about them. My daughters will play with American Girl dolls. They might be more expensive, but at least they'll get history lessons .and learn that you don't have to be a 7' tall blonde to be attractive or special. Barbie sets some pretty unrealistic standards that I don't approve of. Did I have them? Yep. Did I like them? Not really. I found it way more entertaining to use koolaid to dye their hair and then chop it off. I was an awesome kid.

Help me out!

2010-03-15T00:00:00.005-05:00

Let's go Cats!!! Do us a favor and vote for UNI to get a Nike sponsored pep rally. We aren't too hard to find. All you have to do is click on the only school in Iowa!

It won't let me link you to it, so please copy and paste!

http://www.nike.com/nikeos/p/nikebasketball/en_US/training/combatSupport?show=map&ref=nf

We're ranked number 2, so we can use the help!!

Consider this a shameless plug.

Oh pessimism

2010-03-13T23:24:00.001-06:00

Yeah...I guess I'm kind of a pessimist right now. No wait...that isn't what I want to say. What about terrified? Scared to death? Any of those? Maybe those are better. A few days ago, I got an email from Lindsey over at the r house. First of all, let's just call her amazing. Her words are so inspiring and always remind me that there are some pretty rockin' adoptive parents out there in the world. Anyways, this email said that someone stumbled across my blog and said that my adoptive parents' website was a virus. I just sat there staring at my blackberry for a good 5 minutes before I responded. This wasn't unintentional. Brad makes a living making sure computer systems are protected. There is no way that their website would have been turned into a virus unless they meant for it to happen.

I'm not going to lie, I cried. This is the website that I stalk for HOURS some days. What was I going to do without my pictures? I was freaking out. Where did freaking out get me? Nowhere. When I got home, the pictures were still there. I was a nervous wreck for hours for nothing. I guess you can tell that this website is my lifeline. Why is it that something so small can scare me to death and suck the life out of me? I wish I didn't have this huge fear that I was going to get cut out of my son's life. I just don't know what to make of it sometimes. I can honestly say that the second this fear goes away, I will be a happy happy girl. There just shouldn't be this many fears that come along with it. Consider me paranoid, pessimistic, fearful, overreacting, stressed....you catch the drift.

So here I am...the pessimistic girl. In my defense, my cousin is drunk on the phone, my roommates are out in the living room drunk, and I'm completely sober doing homework. That's how awesome I am.

False alarm!!!

2010-03-10T22:21:00.002-06:00

Not a virus!!!! I can still picture stalk!!!! I wonder what link was clicked on...if you're reading this annonymous informant, let me know...

uhhh virus? sick

2010-03-10T17:23:00.000-06:00

So it was brought to my attention that the adoptive parents' website is now a massive virus. No picture stalking for me anymore I guess...I'll go through and delete links when I get home, but for now...the crackberry post will have to suffice as a warning.